It's also OK to take some breaks

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross (From Teri's Facebook Profile)

Happy Wednesday everyone,

Hope your week has been going well. For the ones reading in SoCal, glad the weather isn't so hot.

I'm thankful that there's nothing going on tonight, so after the usual 2 mile walk around the lake, I figured it would be a good time to write again before resume the busy workweek and get into a busy weekend.

All of the quotes from Teri's facebook profile have always resonated with me, especially in my journey through grief. It speaks to how losses of all kinds really shapes us, and while it doesn’t take the pain away, it adds a depth to how we see life and those around us.

Many of you know that this past weekend, I shared a blog post about my recent trip to Atlanta for what would have been my 5th anniversary with Teri here. It really was a great weekend, filled with meaningful moments and great food, but by Monday morning, I felt a very deep sense of sadness and confusion with what am I doing with my life and If I'll ever really love again the same way I did with Teri. I’ve learned that after moments like this, there’s often a low that follows.

For those reading regularly I'm sure you coulda saw this post coming.

That Monday, I sent a message to a few of my "go to when I'm sad" friends something along these lines:

I’ve been feeling sad throughout most of the day, which is usually what happens after a busy/good weekend. It’s nice to see so many people and feel loved, but then eventually I go home and go back to my “normal” life. Nothing wrong with feeling this way, just wanted to share." Death of a spouse and all the hopes and dreams is just so real and so overwhelming. So unpredictable. Even after 1.5 years. - Erwin on a Monday, day after his 5 year Anniversary

Cute photo of my two favorites 5 years ago (9/11/19)

Another Triathlon Analogy

As someone who’s done many triathlons (and still dreading IMCA next month FYI), I’ve come to expect these highs and lows. After every race, there’s an adrenaline rush, a sense of accomplishment, followed by a physical and emotional dip. I’ve noticed that grief feels a lot like that. After a weekend of connection and joy, there’s often a wave of exhaustion or sadness waiting around the corner. The emotional roller coaster that I keep thinking I'm not really on anymore, and then get proven wrong.

So I guess just like racing, things should continue to be easier and more predictable. I'm glad I have races scheduled through July of 2025 to keep me going with my diet and exercise. Okay just exercise. Question for myself: Is it worth it go to through the temporary high (visiting Teri and family in Atlanta) knowing that I'll have the low (coming home to my normal life)? Of course it is. But during the low, Iife can feel pretty discouraging.

Time to Take some Breaks

Recently, I’ve felt a strong need to let go of tracking every aspect of my life, even though I’ve always loved doing it. Not sure why. At work, I keep telling all the leaders that we are going to have the most organized company in the world because of all the things I'm putting in place regarding organization and tracking things (mostly projects, business processes). Doing this stuff makes me so happy and it's also funny I get paid to do it. I don't get it.

I also stopped using my habit tracking app since for the most part the habits I'm tracking are in a good place (no problem with brushing and flossing every night), waking up early, reading bible, etc. I still have work to do with better habits like trying to avoid two dinners, so I don't really recommend what I'm doing to others. Tracking important things in life is good.

I’m also glad that my Signos three-month Continuous Glucose Monitoring (CGM) subscription is almost over. I'm tired of looking at the graph every time I eat something and wonder what will happen. 5 takeaways for those curious (no energy to write a detailed post about this).

• Harmless Harvest Coconut water was the biggest offender regarding drinks (consistently spiked my blood sugar to ~200). Not so harmless! I'm sure results will vary for others. Don't buy into all the marketing that's out there with healthy foods and drinks.

• Rice Cakes was the biggest offender with food. I had a few of them and my blood sugar went to ~250. Crazy stuff.

• The obvious foods we shouldn't eat (like two donuts) not just impact your blood sugar within the hour, but throughout the day and sometimes throughout the night

• Stress and sleep does affect blood sugar, so manage it well

• You don't need a CGM to get healthy, just use common sense with your diet and don't make excuses (I have to eat this since I'm going to a party, etc...). No one really cares what you eat. Just do what my brother Eric does - Run a lot, eat a lot of Huel, and you'll be fine.

FYI I am not giving up with taking care of myself regarding my physical health... I'll actually redo my A1C soon and confirm things have gotten a lot better since mid June. Nothing to worry about. Like I keep telling people I see, we all need each other to be healthy. Still goes for me too.

The same goes for seeing my therapist once a week—it’s been helpful, but I’m realizing that it’s time to step back from all of these things. Sometimes, less structure is what I need to find peace. I will plan to move to every other week, or perhaps once a month. If I get into crisis mode, I can always increase the frequency. Since it is OK to be OK, it is also OK to not depend on a therpist for too long.

What are you reading these days?

I'm also a bit tired of all the non-fiction books. Brain feels overloaded. I need to actually apply what I'm learning, not learn more. Thankfully there's the bible. In my reading plan, I'm now in the Book of Proverbs. I'm liking this book alot better than Psalms and most of the other books In the Old Testament (opposite of Teri who loved all the crazy stuff In the old testament).. Proverbs 3:5 has always one of my favorites:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths."

Most of us have heard this verse, For me when I hear it in the middle of a bible reading plan, it spoke to me a lot more. There’s something about this verse that resonates deeply, especially in times when nothing seems to make sense. I’ve realized that sometimes, we don’t need to understand our grief; we just need to trust that we’re on the right path, even when it feels confusing.

More New Friends

This past Tuesday, I was introduced to Phoebe through a mutual connection at church. Similar to Alexa, she was fine with just coming over without even meeting me ahead of time. I was really encouraged since this friend at church thought highly of me with wanting me to meet her in the first place. So I texted her and arranged for an early dinner at my house (gotta meet Mayo right) and had a nice meal together. We ended up talking a lot about relationships. She also shared that she's currently dating someone but isn’t sure where things are headed. I'm happy for her. I also shared a lot about Teri alot of our story of all the ups and downs. As I always keep saying here, I'll always take advantage of the opportunity to talk about Teri and the crazy story of what happened with us with those willing to listen.

Finally didn't overcook the steak like I tend to do

While it was refreshing to meet someone new and share our stories, I left the evening feeling quite exhausted. We even took Mayo for a walk around the lake, and I missed my grief class. That sense of exhaustion is a reminder of why I feel the need to take a break. Grief alone is tiring, and adding new social dynamics can be draining. Or maybe because I just had an emotional weekend. I'm not sure. I'm so thankful to have stayed off of online dating, as every time I tried it earlier this year, it was a mess and just made me feel worse. On a related note (actually right before Phoebe came over), a close friend asked me an interesting question: “If you met someone who felt uncomfortable about you taking trips to see Atlanta family, blogging, etc., would that be a non-negotiable in dating?” It was a thoughtful question that made me pause. My trips, my writing, and everything I do to honor Teri’s memory and manage my grief are so deeply tied to who I am. For someone new to come into my life, they’d have to understand that these things are a part of my healing and my identity. I’m not just grieving—I’m living through it, finding ways to carry it with me without being consumed by it. To summarize my answer back, I said we would need to talk about it. Honestly I have no idea.

On another related note, my dad has made a few efforts to set me up with someone new. I met someone a few weeks ago and today he had his friend send me a message to me with a photo of her niece. I really appreciate his genuine interest in wanting me to meet someone, and he’s got great insight into what would be good for me in a future spouse. One of the most encouraging things he said a few months ago was that he hopes I find someone like my mom. My mom and I are really close—we talk on the phone often—so it’s good to know that he gets it in this area. His support has been comforting as I continue to process everything.

As of now, I kind of want to take a break from a ton of stuff and simplify my life even more. I should focus on my new job, my race, finishing my bible reading plan, walking Mayo around the lake, and not much else. Oh yea, cleaning the garage :(

Remembering 9/11 - Time to Pause and Reflect

The weight of this season felt even heavier on 9/11, a day when so many people lost their lives. Like all of you, I remember exactly where I was when I saw this on TV, in my kitchen having breakfast. The collective grief of that day impacts me even more since all of the friends and family that lost their loved ones had zero time to prepare for it. At least I had a little bit of time before Teri went to heaven. As I’ve come to understand loss, It's been a reminder of how fragile life is and how important it is to take moments of rest when we can.

I'm also thankful that reading the book of Proverbs throughout the week has been guiding me toward rest, teaching me that healing is a balance of honoring the past and embracing the present. Stepping back doesn’t mean letting go; it’s about giving myself permission to breathe. I’ll continue to remember Teri and honor her memory, but for now, I’m also learning to rest, to trust, and to be okay with where I am on this journey. And honestly, I feel good about that. One day at a time. Who knows what I'll feel tomorrow. It doesn't really matter.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” - Matthew 6:34

GriefShare Class

I'll leave on a positive note (in my opinion) since it's usually good to get involved in church, especially in areas you have a passion for. While I missed this week's class, I've really enjoyed the curriculum and felt like it would be nice to facilitate a future Grief Share class. I really like faciliating discussion groups since the goal is to not lecture people and I learned this the hard way when I got lectured during such a difficult time for all sorts of things while I was grieving. So I texted Pastor Paul Han from mariners (he told me about Grief Share in the first place). Nice to hear his response:

I’m so glad that Grief Share has been a helpful resource for you. And I’d LOVE to have you join us when you’re available. We have a current session going on right now and will offer it again next January on Monday nights. They’re always looking for male facilitators :)

That's it! New PR for short blog post! After reading the whole thing before posting just now I feel like I'm contradicting myself in a lot of ways. Oh well, time to sleep so I can keep my blood sugar in check and get up early to continue my last minute training. I love you all and still want to hang out with whomever is free.

Thank you for reading (and not lecturing me),

Blessings,

Erwin