Where I’m Standing Now | 25 Months

Dear Muir Rock Family,

My therapist is right again...

What's going on with me these days and why do I do crazy things like accidentally schedule two races on the same weekend and just deal with It? I want to be seen. And that's also why I'm back to writing here on a Sunday afternoon. This is my way of having my own therapy session without having to pay for it. Oh well.

I am very thankful for some downtime after church and hearing the worship team play "Where I'm Standing Now" at the end of service. Great to be back at church after missing last weekend due to travel. Mayo and I had a nice time at the dog park.

Mayo loves going to the Dog Park :)

And no I did not meet anyone at the dog park (everyone seems to ask, lol).

Standard Blog Post? Yes!

I'm not gonna "play with fire" with another story of meeting Teri in heaven. That was too much. But we can talk about it. Normal brain dump of catching everyone up with stuff since I like to document everything. My standard blog post: I was busy and feel the need to catch everyone up on stuff. Good reading material if you need help falling asleep before bedtime. :)

I was way over capacity in April. Some highlights include:

• 4/2 – Teri’s 2-year death anniversary

• 4/5 – Oceanside 70.3 Race

• 4/7 – New ERP System “Go-Live” at Induce Biologics

• 4/12 – Teri’s Birthday (San Diego Trip)

• 4/24 – Atlanta Trip and HYROX Race

• 4/26 – New York Trip and NYC Runs Half Marathon Race

  
  

As you can see, it was a lot. Honestly, too much. I'm judging myself for doing too much since I'm all about having a simple life and doing less. But it's done and lots of lessons learned. Juggling all these events in one month left me feeling completely exhausted. I tried to keep up with everything – the races, the travel, the ERP Implementation, but by the end of April and finally getting home from a six hour flight on Tuesday at 1AM, I was done. Not physically, but more emotionally.

I guess didn’t realize how much emotional weight I was carrying until things finally quieted down. But I should know this by now. I've been though this stuff before. Like I was sprinting through the month, and only now am I noticing how heavy my heart has been.

My Best Day Ever - 4/2/25 (Two Year Death Anniversary)

On 5/1, I titled my bike ride on Strava, "Best day ever - Rode with Larry." Adrianna asked me about it, and I laughed since it was definitely not my best day ever. That will be awhile since I have a hard time keeping up with Larry so I'm usually not that happy after our ride. All good. I titled the post because I want to give recognition to great "surrogate brothers" like Larry who I take for granted since he has a great way of informally mentoring me (or calling me out on stuff I need to work on). Thank you Larry.

The real "Best Day Ever" was 4/2/25, the two year anniversary of Teri's passing. I shared a story recap on Instagram and Facebook, but if you missed it, here it is:

Seeing these photos again make me feel quite happy again. Thanks everyone!

Still Learning From You (Last Blog Post)

Grief is the messiest thing in the world. This time I feel a bit upset about all of it.

Engagement Photo overseeing Downtown Atlanta. Photo Credit: Kristy Tran

In the middle of all that busyness, I wrote my last blog post about visiting Teri in heaven. I have to admit, that one took a lot out of me. I wrote it spontaneously on the plane after being inspired by the book Janell gave me, Your Loved Ones Are Always With You. I reached into a part of my heart that I hadn't needed to access due to my busy schedule and the two years since Teri's passing. However, it felt right at the moment because I was heading to Atlanta to visit Teri and family. After arriving, I got busy with my trip and sort of forgot about it.

Something felt different. After posting, I felt unusually unsettled. Most of the time, once I hit submit, there’s a sense of peace and accomplishment (like how I'll should feel after this one). But not that time. Like I had said something too real.

And then, many of you reached out. Some said it made you cry. Others said it was your favorite post. I’m not used to that kind of reaction with my writing, especially lately when I feel like I write about the same stuff over and over. Your words reminded me I’m not alone in missing her. It was comforting, but also a bit overwhelming.

Because in reading your responses and the post again, I felt pulled right back into my grief.

Why?? It felt like I had just said goodbye to her all over again. I had been feeling strong and grounded on April 2, her death anniversary. Like I made it. Look everyone, my life is back in order. I'm good. Lots of friends and family to take care of me. But after that post, something shifted. The sadness returned. I felt alone again. I also felt upset, like I shouldn't have imagined going to heaven. I didn’t expect the story to hit me as hard as it did. What a mess.

Maybe a part of me was trying to stay strong, trying to focus on moving forward. But reliving those moments, even if they were imagined, made the loss feel very fresh. Every time I re-read it, I teared up. It just felt so real. Like it actually happened.

There’s a line I wrote in another post that keeps coming back to me:

I take a deep breath and try to memorize everything, knowing this is really the last time I’ll see her until I die on earth. I can’t come back. I need to move forward. Her voice, her cute smile, her peace. There’s no rush in her. No fear. No tension. Just love. Still my inspiration to keep doing hard things and talk about my feelings.” - Still Learning From You

It’s true. She’s still my inspiration. She's why I keep coming back to this blog and wanting to write about her impact on my life, 25 months after she's passed away. But even now, I’m reminded again that grief is the messiest thing in the world. Not ideal if your instagram name is erwinisneat and you spend most of your day getting paid to organize information from e-mails and spreadsheets into enterprise systems.

And if you're wondering if I'm still reading the book Janell gave me, I am. Slowly. It's out of my comfort zone vs. my standard non-fiction book. I'll share more about it later.

My Atlanta Trip

Another highlight of the month! Here's some of the photos:

Nice to see friends and family every time I visit

I wish I had arrived a few days earlier to have more time. I began my trip by enjoying KBBQ and Hot Pot. Given the choice of where to eat, I decided here! I used to argue with Teri about going to these spots, so I'm a bit embarrassed to admit this now. I visited Teri in the morning, had lunch with Amy, and then joined Cindy, Foley, Cherry, Mom, Dad, and Marie for dinner at John's house. Then on Saturday I went to do my Hyrox race. Here's the highlight reel:

I wrote this message on instagram for the reel above:

Racing in Atlanta meant coming full circle. In 2017, I flew out here to meet Teri and signed up for a fitness competition at a local CrossFit. She later said watching me compete got me out of the friend zone. This time, I wore the same tank top from that weekend. And what really got me was driving over the bridge where we took our engagement photos. Like every race since losing her, I carried her memory beside me — not with sadness, but with joy, gratitude, and a heart full of love. Key lesson: Life is short. So when in doubt, just sign up for the race.

Off to New York!

After Hyrox, I had a nice time at lunch with Christina, Elizabeth and Anna in downtown Atlanta and then headed straight to New York for the half marathon. Long day. Physically, I was tired, but I was glad to cross another finish line was even more glad that my amazing sister Emilyn finished in just over 3 hours!

I wasn't there for long. Like Atlanta, I wish I had more time and look forward to seeing my family In New York in the near future.

Back to Reality...

By the time I got back home on Tuesday morning, I was super tired. I got busy this week with the usual stuff, work, workouts, yoga. At church today, I was even more tired. I canceled my workout for tomorrow morning so I can get some rest. Physically, emotionally, just worn out from everything April had held with not much time to process. I didn’t expect anything big to happen at church today, but during the worship set, something unexpected happened.

The worship team started playing “Where I’m Standing Now.”

That was one of the songs we chose for Teri’s celebration of life, and I hadn’t heard it in a while. The moment it started, I felt this quiet pause in my spirit. Like a reminder. Not loud, not overwhelming. I was really happy.

It brought me back to that morning at church In Stonegate Elementary School, the morning Teri passed away. I was surrounded by many of the family members I saw recently in New York. I didn't feel discouraged, it was more like a nudge from God, reminding me how far I’ve come since then. A reminder that even when I’m in a quiet season, I’m not forgotten. That song met me exactly where I was.

It didn’t break me open like my last blog post. It grounded me again. And honestly, I needed that. It was a small but sacred moment worth sharing today.

Thank You

Time to go to dinner. I feel alot better now. Thank you for reading this far. I know. Not as deep as my last post.

I'm gonna make It through these next few months. No races to focus on until end of July. Fewer distractions. More time to be still. And know that He is God. I will stay calm. Probably not quiet. I'll try to relax.

I can't thank you all enough for walking with me through all of this – texting me to check in when I'm having intense moments, and the quiet ones. I truly never take for granted the fact that you care enough to read, watch the videos, and reach out. Your presence, whether through a comment, a message, has really helped me get to where I am today. I’m grateful beyond words for this community. You’ve been with me through the darkest days of grief, the unpredictable journey of healing, and the new adventures and challenges I’ve taken on. Knowing you’re there makes me feel that I am, in fact, carrying this grief well, and not alone.

As I move into May and beyond, I’m going to embrace this slower pace and see what God might be teaching me here. I know that Teri’s love and lessons are still with me – I’m still learning from her, and probably always will be. And I know that this community is with me too, every step of the way. That knowledge alone brings me a lot of peace.

Blessings,

Erwin

P.S. Congrats to Tito Gil on His Retirement! Hopefully I can retire soon (from work, not blogging)