My Secret Life Quest for Validation

I'll probably regret this post or will delete it later. Oh well. Most of this was written on Monday in response to my therapy session.

I feel like I'm going through the fire right now with life. In my secret life quest to feel validated as much as possible, let me explain why.

First, the perception is that my life is far from being on fire. That is true. Life is too good in many ways. Some highlights to help me feel better:

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• I live in one of the safest cities in the world, Irvine. I am right next to the Woodbridge lake in a two bedroom townhome with a backyard and lots of street parking.

• I have a designer Coton De Tulear dog that Teri and I got from my dad who ordered him from a breeder in Montana. He’s the cutest.

• I drive a Tesla model Y wrapped and just got it waxed while I was riding my mountain bike. I spent real time these past few weeks debating If I should sell It to get the same car In "quicksilver" since that's the color I was trying to copy with my wrap In the first place.

• I have a cold plunge with chiller (and sauna) in my backyard. Great after bike rides. This was after using ice for a few weeks and saying, I've had enough of this, I make enough money to buy my own cold plunge (at least I got it on FB marketplace for cheap).

• I spend hours messing around in the garage with my tri bike (what I ride on the weekends). FYI I broke it and need professional help to fix it :(

• I planned the E40 conference and almost 200 people showed up, including over 30 kids (even though I don't have kids).
  

From the outside, my life feels like I'm on the Truman Show, or something that isn't reality since everything is so darn comfortable. I’m really out of ideas on how to make life easier, besides quit my job and just stay at home. That will probably not work since I’ll then have other issues, like paying my bills.

You have permission to roll your eyes after reading that list. Good job Erwin...gold star for you... and way to make your readers feel better.

I know if you're reading this blog, you're happy for me. Thank you. I also know that lots of people I know and you know are:

• Struggling to pay bills

• Dealing with physical and emotional issues

• In need of community (recently moved, someone close moved away, etc..)

• Also lost a loved one recently. Perhaps Father’s Day was a painful reminder of their Dad who's no longer with them

My Grief Award

I wrote a while ago that grief is not a competition but it still feels like it. I can’t explain it. Am I winning if I'm writing about Teri after over 14 months? Hopefully.

A friend recently reminded me about how traumatic losing a spouse can be. I tried to brush it off.

Back to me since this is my blog. Right after Teri passed away, I did pretty darn well because of the abundance of support and love I received from so many people.

Lots of encouraging cards (and door dash gift cards)

I got reconnected with friends I haven't seen in forever. I felt loved by them in ways I don't deserve. Some of those friends are now my closest friends again.

I also got a good amount of time off from work. In 2023, I probably took ~6 weeks worth of PTO. That's a lot for someone that usually hits a max on accrued PTO and then just forces himself to take random days off so they don't go to waste. I like working. It’s a great way to escape from feeling sad and lonely.

Then this blog, and now the Muir Rock Podcast. Please subscribe. My problem isn't putting the time into this, my problem is doing other things in life that are more important.

My favorite text message from the weekend was "When are you dropping a new video on YouTube?" I'm working on it.

According to the books I've read and YouTube videos I've seen, I've did everything right for the most part:

• I took lots of time to grieve and even made a blog about It

• I didn't make any major life changes (besides get the car wrapped)

• I didn't find a new relationship (although there may have been some failed attempts...)

• I saw a therapist regularly (and still do)

• I still go to the same church and small group (and even serve)

• I exercise and took care of my body (just finished a half ironman)

Check out my book collection on the topic, almost finished with all of them:

So what's the problem?!

Good news first, I finally got around to doing my annual physical. Thank you siblings for reminding me that they need me alive.

Bad news, the results.

First off, my diet needs some serious work, as I’ve been slowly heading towards being diabetic:

I’ve been working out a lot but tend to eat 2-3 dinners at night. I’ve been going to yogurtland every day, and even spent $14 once so I can get the free spoon no national yogurt day:

I was supposed to just eat half, that never works

What I think is happening is the following pattern:

• I wake up early, go workout, feel good

• Take my ADHD meds, work really hard and not eat much for lunch

• Get burned out around 3pm, then I’ll get snacks at work

• Go home very tired and discouraged (no Teri hang out with ) end up eating a lot for dinner to feel better but feel guilty. Definitely emotional eating.

• Go to bed late (11pm)

I am also 40 now. My body just doesn’t move the way it used to be. And keeping the weight off is much more difficult.

Coincidentally, my nutritionist/life coach/chief lecture officer/favorite sister sent me this photo after hearing about my results:

This reminds me of how I started using Doordash ever since Teri passed away and I got all this gift card money. I used to think it was the biggest waste of money but now I love it. It is so convenient to just get any food I'm craving (except The Hat).

On the dating front, not much going on. My favorite sister also said she saw someone that looks like Teri. Of course this was my reaction:

I literally thought about calling my sister on the spot and see if she would pass the phone to her.

Then after it was all over (no my sister didn’t tell the waitress about me) my takeaway is that I’m really glad I’m still single right now. Adding someone else right now will make things really messy.

Any other news to share?

I feel discouraged when I got to the hospital.

I didn’t think much about it until I sat down to do my labs. I kept thinking of Teri again and all the hospital visits we made and everything she went through in the hospital. Some were for emergencies, some were for labs. There was so much to do when Teri found about the cancer. I'm encouraged by her positive attitude throughout the process. There's no way I would have done the same, as it's taken me forever just to get my annual physical done.

Looking back when I first saw the “stage 4” results, I really wish I took time off completely instead of trying to work part time. But me working in March gave other people a chance to step up and Teri being alone allowed her to do other productive things like read her bible and spend time with God.

This is turning into an ADHD post (all over the place)

Okay I’ll just wrap things up. Time for bed. Sleep is one thing that should help me.

My big takeaway from this post was really to reflect on what my therapist told me on Monday regarding my need for validation. It’s very hard for me to just make my own decisions and not want lots of peoples opinions, including my therapist.

I also have been rethinking this blog and podcast. Like social media and using our phones, they’re not bad things. I can use these tools for good, and it can help me with these issues with wanting validation. But How?

I have some ideas. I’ll cover it in the next post. For now, I need to go home (I’m at the dog park so at least Mayo can get some exercise):

Thanks for reading, love and support during this difficult time.

Blessings,

Erwin