GriefShare | Wedding Season Reflections

Happy Thursday everyone,

Lots to talk and update you all about so I'll drive right into it. Gotta wake up early for more last minute training which means I need to sleep soon.

Grief Share Support Group :)

Many of you are still checking in with me just to see how I am doing. Thank you. Good news... I found a group of people to hang out with for the next 11 weeks to talk about grief and my story. According to my therapist, I still have a lot of healing to do. Things are complicated with me and lately I've been struggling with articulating how I feel, even on this blog. Hopefully the new group will help.

A few months after Teri passed away, Pastor Paul told me about Grief Share, a support group that's tailored to help people through the grief process and heal from the pain. Since I love structure, it sounded like a good idea, but I kept getting busy and was distracted with other things/people so I never got around to it.

Then this past Sunday at life group, my church bosses (Dan and Phoebe) informed all of us about the new church year and wanting to confirm if all of us would stay in the group. It was a good discussion. Since that meeting, I've given a lot of serious thought about what I need going forward in this new season in life regarding people and community. This prompted me to check out Grief Share again. Thankfully a new season just started. I took my first class on Tuesday at Free Chapel in Orange County. There's also a class at the Mariner's big campus on Monday nights, but it's a bit further away.

Couldn't take selfies while in class, so this photo outside class will have to do

I really appreciate Teri's outlook regarding small/life groups at church, which was pretty much the opposite of how I viewed things. She loved community and being in a group, but was always OK with moving on from the group at the appropriate time. She looked at these groups as more of a temporary thing for a specific season in life, and it was OK that friends come and go. I share her view now. And just because you're not in the same group or live in the same state anymore, doesn't mean you can't stay in touch. People will ultimately make time for the people and priorties that are most important. So if you're reading this blog, thank you for making me a priority with your precious time. Let's hang out soon.

Why take Grief Share now?

Even after 498 days since Teri's passing, starting a new job, and training for a full ironman triathlon, I still find a lot of joy and fulfillment talking about Teri and being around like minded people regarding grief. I'm not sure why.

I know it sounds like I'm making a career out of this, still blogging, still wanting to write a book, and still buying random things that remind me of Teri, like my new Teri refrigerator magnet:

Lots of cute magnets. Thanks Phoebe for the emotion wheel!

What even prompted you to make a Teri magnet?

It started with Allan and Zoey needed some photos printed for their wedding. In the interest of efficiency, I thought I should throw in a photo to print to treat myself. Driving to Walgreens is far (2 miles) so might as well find a way to benefit from the trip. I love this photo of Teri. It's still my phone wallpaper and hopefully if I meet someone, they'll use the photo as their phone wallpaper. Okay maybe that's going too far. But it makes me happy every time I see it.

How was the Grief Share class?

Sorry I keep getting distracted... my ADHD meds don't work at this time of the day. The class went a bit long and I was getting sleepy towards the end, but was well worth attending. I'm excited about the upcoming weeks and should have no problem doing all the homework assignments with all my free time after work. There were several stories from the video curriculum and from the class members that I could really connect to. The one that stood out the most was hearing about someone who lost all 5 of his kids in a car accident. I can't even imagine.

Anyways, if you have gone through loss and want to attend the class with me, please let know. We meet Tuesdays from 7-9PM. You can jump in anytime.

It's Wedding Season

Even after losing Teri, I love attending weddings. It's so beautiful to see two people commit themselves before God, their friends and family to a lifetime of commitment and unconditional love. I'm thankful to have attended two weddings for two of my close friends:

8/10/24 - Minna and Walter

8/17/24 - Allan and Zoey

I had a great time at both weddings. Every moment was special, but hearing the vows is always the most emotional part for me. Then there’s the cake cutting which holds a special place in my heart. For those who don’t know, the cake cutting was my favorite part of my own wedding, especially because we had the DJ play “Cake” by Flo Rida during it.

Cake cake cake cake, cake cake cake cake Cake cake cake cake, cake cake cake cake Cake cake cake cake, cake cake cake cake Cake cake cake cake, cake cake cake cake I only came for the cake - Cake by Flo Rida

A few stories from Allan and Zoey's wedding worth mentioning. First was having a really nice conversation with Allan's cousin Stacy Chu. It's great to meet new people at weddings and have meaningful conversations that could have gone on for hours. I shared with Stacy about Teri and my grief journey. I showed her the blog on her phone, hoping she would read it later. It's nice to connect with new people and feel understood by them regarding grief and loss.

Podcast episode with Stacy coming next month :)

I also reconnected with Chheang, a friend from UCI engineering who also is into cycling. While waiting for appetizers, he expressed his sorrow over the loss of Teri, and we had a heartfelt conversation about her and what happened. Chheang also opened up about recently losing his mother to cancer. We reflected on how our jobs, though important, shouldn't overshadow our time with family because life is so short. He became emotional and shed some tears during our talk, and it was comforting to realize that even after decades of not speaking, there are people who genuinely care and are willing to express their condolences.

So.... any plans on getting married again?

Everyone reading this probably knows that I would definitely like to get married again, but not any time soon. Well if the right one came along I'd probably do what I did with Teri and try to get married ASAP, even though it's probably not a good idea. I'll focus for now on my new job, diet, exercise, upcoming race, etc...

I'm also focusing on Teri for now since it's the safer option than loving someone again, for real.

But here’s the thing... I know how difficult and painful marriage can be. I’ve lived it. I gave serious thoughts about divorce when Teri and I hit bottom and lived apart from each other. It was really messy and I really wanted out of marriage on many occasions. I've tried to write about someone of it on this blog and have shared lots of difficult stories. There's a lot more to come.

I’ve also experienced the devastating loss of someone I loved so, so deeply. Teri was the world to me and she still is, check out my new fridge magnet if you don't believe me. Yet, despite all of that, I believe more than ever in the power and importance of commitment.

This brings me to something that’s been on my mind lately as I think about weddings and marriage. I shared last time that before bed I've been re-reading Tim Keller’s book, The Meaning of Marriage since reading it after being married really gives me another perspective on the topic. Keller talks about marriage as a covenant, a promise that goes beyond just the feelings of love we experience in the moment. It’s a commitment to someone’s future self, the person they are becoming, and it’s a commitment that we make through all the ups and downs. Keller writes:

“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (emphasis added)

I think back to my time with Teri, and I realize that our commitment to God and each other is what carried us through the hardest moments. Marriage isn’t easy—in fact, I found it incredibly challenging most of the time. I came into marriage with a lot of ego and pride, thinking I knew what to do because I had read The Meaning of Marriage and several other books. I served in various church roles, and everything made sense in my head. But when we finally announced our plans to start a family in 2023 through surrogacy, Teri was diagnosed with cancer, and before we knew it, our marriage was over. I still can’t believe it.

2022 Christmas Card

It’s in these defining moments that you discover what love really is. It’s about choosing to stay, to love, even when things are tough. Like Keller says, it’s in that commitment that true, lasting joy is found.

The book reminds me that marriage isn’t just about the good times, the wedding celebrations, or the joyful moments. It’s about showing up every day and doing the hard things—just like training for my triathlon. Doing the right things in marriage is often easier said than done.

“Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won't matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.” ― Timothy Keller

Even now, 498 days after Teri’s passing, I find comfort in God helping us stay committed to each other. I really can't take credit for making it in marriage. It's really by His grace. Hope in the truth of Jesus is what gave me the courage to face my grief, and it’s what continues to give me hope as I think about the future.

That’s enough for tonight—another shorter post than usual so I can get some rest. My encouragement to everyone is that, despite the difficult times, I’m really happy and thankful that I married Teri. I hope everyone can experience a great marriage (including me, again, someday). But if God calls you to stay single, that’s okay too, because He is all we really need.

Thanks for reading,

Erwin