June Gloom

Happy Sunday everyone,

Hope all is well with you. The skies have been gray all week. June gloom?

Some people would tell me that the weather affects their mood. I'd say the opposite, since I like when it's overcast because It means Its cooler when I am running or biking.

But maybe I'm wrong and it affects me too. The weather kind of fits where I’m at lately. Not in a dark or depressed way, just… overcast. Slower. A little foggy. I haven’t felt like pushing myself much. For the first time in many months, My garmin watch even says I’m in “recovery mode,” and it’s not wrong. Workouts have been lighter. Mornings have felt slower. Sleeping in is the cool thing to do vs. 5am workouts. Even writing this post Is starting to feel exhausting so hopefully I finish It up soon.

Maybe it’s what my body and mind are asking for after a packed month of May.

Green = Productive, Yellow = Maintaining, Blue = Recovery

Praying for Lots of You

My heart has been feeling pretty heavy lately.

the last few weeks, I’ve had a close friend lose their dad and another two lose their grandpas.

I’ve also had conversations with people struggling in their relationships. I'd leave the conversation feeling pretty heart broken, wondering if they're going to make it. Relationships are really hard.

The other day, a coworker asked me In the break room If we can talk outside. I was caught off guard, hoping everything was OK. He opened up to me about his struggles, and asked me, how did you make it, after losing both Teri and your dad? You seem to be doing really well.

My reaction was first surprising, as I know it's been difficult. But not so surprising because I feel like the overall perception I give to the world is pretty positive. We all know it's been quite the roller coaster, and all we can do when life gets difficult is to take things one day at a time.

None of these were dramatic moments. They were just honest ones that gets me to reset after being super focused on my own stuff. Reminders for me to slow down, be present, and be thankful that I have a quiet Saturday afternoon (and now Sunday morning) to blog a little bit. I'm blessed to be in the place I am in, even if it's been gloomy.

Hearing stories from my friends lately reminded me again how fragile and short life can be. How easily we get caught up in the next goal, the next meeting, the next mile, and forget to slow down long enough to notice the people we love. Or to even notice ourselves.

What are you looking forward to?

TLDR: I don't know.

It's nice to see many familiar faces when I go to my workout classes.

Last week at Yoga Sculpt, I ran into Janell. We never really coordinate going to the same class because of her unpredictable work schedule. Thankfully just run into each other from time to time and sit down next to each other if there's space. We had a few minutes before class started, so we caught up for a little bit. She asked me a simple question:

So, what are you looking forward to?”

I didn’t have an answer. I just sat there. I didn't know. Or maybe I wasn't in the mood to give a good answer. I think I said, I'm looking forward to slowing down and simplifying my life. I guess I forgot.

I messaged her later that evening, thanking her for always asking me good questions and getting me to think about what am I looking forward to. As of 1:07PM on a Saturday afternoon, I still don't have a good answer. If you're here looking for inspiration, hopefully I'll have something in a future blog post :)

Many of you know that it's usually it’s a race that gets me all excited. Some ambitious goal and lots of last minute training so I can pull off a shocker. But I think after reflecting on racing on my last blog post, I'm sorta over it with racing. At least as of now as I wait for my 8AM Yoga sculpt class instead of have started a long bike ride or run. Or maybe I'm just sorta over triathlon. Maybe because it's been a challenge to get faster for real, as I have to really put in the time and focus in swimming, biking, and running and not just log a bunch of random slow miles whenever I feel like it. My next one isn’t until July 20 and I'm not going to podium unless I find a way to cheat by using an e-bike, but even then I'm not fast enough on the swim and run.

My therapist out this month for the first time since we started working together, so maybe what I’m looking forward to is figuring things out on my own for a little while. Sitting with the questions instead of racing to answer them. This is definitely the hard thing to do these days. Slow down. Recover. Relax.

This all feels uncomfortable and even makes me feel anxious thinking about it. But maybe that’s the point.

Time to Clean Up Stuff

Good news family... I am cleaning up stuff in my house for real. No more lectures when you come over :)

"I believe in you. People can improve if they put their mind to it" - Everyone's favorite sister

Why now? I think lately I’ve had this growing desire to simplify my life since it seems like the right thing to do. I want to prioritize the most important things in life, including rest, but it's hard to rest when I'm thinking about all the stuff that's not organized in my life. In a way I feel hypocritical, going to work every day telling everyone to be organized and follow process but when I get home, it's madness.

I also get bothered and even a bit judgemental by anyone that's too complicated or has too much going on. I want to be around calm and happy people, but I know that life doesn't always work that way, and most of the time I'm not this way when I'm around my friends and family.

So when I'm bored or waiting for Jeff to come over so we can go on our 7AM run, I’ve been going through drawers, closets, old files. Filling up trash bags to donate. Letting go of stuff I’ve held onto for years. I tell myself, I am not defined by all my stuff and it's going to people who could really use it. "It's better to give than to receive." And honestly, it’s hard. I like having stuff. I’ve always been someone who likes options and being resourceful, who likes remembering through things. When someone needs something, I've taken pride responding with, "I have a few of them, you can have one." It's nice to feel useful.

But seriously if you need stuff (electronics, bike and fitness equipment, clothes that are my size, etc.. please reach out ASAP.

I’m starting to see how much energy it takes to hold onto everything. Not just physically, but mentally too. And I want to be lighter. I want to be freer. I don't always want to think about projects around the house that need attention. I just live with Mayo and there's really no reason to have so much stuff to manage, even if I have the space.

What about Terwin's stuff?

Thankfully most of the stuff I need to get rid of are all my stuff. There's some grey area things like towels and sheets that she picked out and remind me of her, but that's okay If they still go to a better home like we did with all her clothes a few weeks after she passed away.

The sentimental stuff related to Terwin that's already in the house will stay for the time being. Taking down anything related to Terwin isn't really a priority.

What's Interesting These Days? New Connections.

I'll share some stories. There's always lots of them. Let's use my new favorite app Marco Polo if you want to hear more!

I’ve also been craving people connection in a way that’s hard to describe. Maybe I'm moving towards the "challenge" of new connections (as friends) vs. crossing the finish line faster. Thankfully the ADHD helps me just take action and not over think things. Maybe I'm a lot more extroverted than I give myself credit for, and that's OK because change is OK. I also have FOMO when I can't go to my favorite workout classes since it's my way of getting to make new friends.

Last Thursday I signed up for this singles 35+ mixer at a bar in Costa Mesa that one of my other yoga friends told me about. I went by myself. It looked like a fun thing to try and it worked out with my schedule since I went to a pilates class with Jeff at a new studio that friend teaches at and they were only 10 minutes apart.

Only Hotties Do Pilates...so I guess we will be back!

At the bar, I felt out of place in my work clothes (vuori pants and the polo shirt in the photo above) vs. most other men in nice dress shirts and blazers. It was a good experience for the most part. I also ran into some friends I met at the TimeLeft dinners I used to attend. I met a few of their friends, and ended up talking to one of them for about an hour. We weren't interested in each other, but felt comfortable sharing our stories regarding our previous relationships.

I also met a gentleman sitting by himself at a table with a drink. He seemed nice, so I said hi and asked how he was doing, and this was my first time at a Thursday singles event. Thankfully, he was very quick to give me good advice:

Erwin, you have to be quick. People have short attention spans, so after a little bit of small talk, ask for their number right away. Don't hesitate.

I appreciated the words of wisdom. Then I thought...what in the world am I doing here?! I never want to go to bars! But I'm here so I guess I'll still try to make the most of the evening.

I met another person that felt like the opposite of me, a true extrovert. In our first conversation, she said after about 30 seconds, "I want to connect" and gave me her phone so I can add myself to her instagram. Thankfully I'm an aspiring influencer and in need of more followers. Then she moved on and probably talked to another dozen people. In a way, I felt inspired by her boldness and also making the most of her time at the bar.

Around 10PM I headed for home, stopping by at a gas station to get a breakfast burrito since I realized I didn't even eat dinner. I left the evening thinking, why am I seeking these sort of connections from strangers, when I have lots of close friends that I'd rather catch up with?

I'm not sure.

So lately I've been thinking about how I wish I could just sit with my real friends. Whoever you are reading this. I wish I could hear your story, your grief, your confusion, your joy. I wish I could listen without trying to fix anything. And if it helps, I’d share mine too, but most of you know the story. Not to make it about me, but because sometimes knowing you’re not the only one can help you breathe a little easier.

Sometimes I think we’ve all just gotten really good at hiding. We look productive. I know I do with all the stuff I'm doing at work, church, and fitness. We smile. We train. We perform. But underneath, we’re tired. We’re grieving. We’re scared. And we don’t know how to say it out loud.

Okay that's all for now, gotta run, have a great rest of the weekend! Thanks for reading! I appreciate all of you so much.

Blessings,

Erwin