Holding Joy and Grief at the Same Time

I have not written in a while :((

Life has been busy and full in ways I did not expect, and I think part of me has been avoiding the quiet required to write honestly. Some of it relates to guilt. I don't really have any good excuses for why I haven't wrote. We are all busy, but we make time for what's important to us. I even block time off in my calendar to write here at least once a month. Anyways I'm here today and will post something tonight since I don't have to wake up that early to work out. No more races till next year! My closest friends have lovingly called me out on not posting here in the last few months. They also know why. I've found a ton of stuff to distract me:

• Muir Rock Fitness & Yoga

• My races

• My work

• My recent travel

Muir Rock Fitness & Yoga

Since I launched my fitness and yoga studio in mid August on ClassPass, I'd never think I'd fill fill up all 10 spaces, 4 days before class! I've had several classes cancelled due to zero attendees and wanted to just quit. I even returned some of the weights I bought, realizing I'm never gonna need them. It's been a journey.

Well I can't believe it that Wednesday's class is full. I've shared with some that one of my bucket list items was to teach a waitlisted class and it's finally happened! Here's some of the recent photos in case I haven't sent them to you directly:

Huge thanks to Sally from church for taking these amazing photos!

My Recent Races (2025-Q4)

I don't really want to talk about my recent races (nor do you really want to read about the details) even though each of them could use their own blog post:

• Ironman California (major meltdown during the run due to over biking)

• Hyrox Atlanta (almost same result as April race)

• Ironman 70.3 La Quinta (slow swim and bike)

• Hyrox Anaheim (singles, mixed doubles, doubles)

I'll just share that I still prefer to focus on being a triathlete, even though other races like HYROX are a lot of fun. While I'm sad that trying to do everything (yoga, triathlon, HYROX) makes me feel like I'm not got at anything, I'm learning that I can do whatever I want and I have a lot to be thankful for, especially because I'm not injured or even too sore from this past weekend.

I love this photo of me at my recent race, Ironman 70.3 La Quinta:

My mom wants an 8x10, comment below for a free 8x10! Or just download the digital copy...

This past weekend, I'm especially thankful for Adrianna and Eric, my Hyrox doubles partners. It's quite the experience to do a race with someone. Lots of communication and trust involved to do well. Both of them are pretty fit but don't really train for Hyrox. They trusted me enough to sign up for the race and do it. I had a lot of fun, despite how we all felt during those 100 wall balls at the end of the race. All good, hopefully we can do more races together in the future.

Gotta love the peace signs...

Here's also a fun video of me and Eric that I took with my Meta glasses, 30 mins before the race started:

"We are cooked" - Erwin

My Work

I'm really happy at my job. It's going well. Lots of great colleagues. Lots to do. On Wednesday we have our holiday party and I'm excited! Not sure what I will wear?

I was telling Kathy (the founder of Kathy's Run Club) last Wednesday about this spreadsheet I'm working on regarding resource planning and how it's literally the best spreadsheet I've ever made in my professional career. I feel like everyone at work deals with too many things going on and no good way to explain why we are all so busy. I'm trying to address this problem. Fun stuff.

For the record I used to teach Excel classes at ITT Technical Institute. Okay this section isn't going anywhere and I can't post photos of the spreadsheet. So I'll move on. If you want to talk about spreadsheets or need help, let Emilyn know. She's good too!

My recent travel

This Carnival eight day cruise I went on with Teri's family definitely changed my life. Remember, I don't have fun and I like my schedule.

But this was SO much fun...

If you're going on a cruise, let me know! I wanna come.

In summary, it was my first time being off the radar at work since I started in August 2024. It was the best since we did lots of eating, playing games, and I also met a few new friends that were so much fun. I also taught a few impromptu yoga classes and was the MVP of my dodgeball team! You had to be there.

I also spent a lot of money on extra food and alcohol than the cruise itself. I still can't believe it. Come over for a free presentation on the cruise. Then we can find a cruise to go on in 2026. I can't wait!

It was also an emotional roller coaster...

Of course I have to share this one.

The moment that hit me the most on the cruise was when we got to Cabo San Lucas and all the memories of my cruise with Teri, Minna and Melody's family all came back:

Greetings from Cabo San Lucas

I remember looking at "lovers island" from a distance and didn't even realize the significance of it until I was there, without her.

So when I have a "Teri Moment" I end up going down a bunch of rabbit holes. Sometimes I'll blog about it, sometimes I'll just look at all the photos/videos. In this case I just looked at our photos from the trip, and thanked God for the time we had together.

Why was this so emotional? Because of the guilt associated with having fun on a cruise, with Teri's family, without Teri. I literally wanted to cry when we got back home since I didn't want it to end. I think It was the saddest moment I've had all year.

It's been a month since the cruise. How are you feeling about Teri and moving forward?

Despite the list of stuff I've done above, the truth is, I still miss Teri and my old life with her very deeply. Looking at the stockings and Christmas tree bring me a lot of joy. I'm still so proud of my old life with her.

All her decorations up for the 3rd holiday season without her :(

I don't buy it Erwin. If you did, you'd blog here more...

If that's your thoughts, maybe you are onto something. Lets talk about this more.

Look everyone. I'm simply afraid to love again. But I sure want to. It's way more fun to have someone around during the holidays. Snuggling with Mayo in bed when I wake up and he jumps right next to me just isn't the same as a cute spouse. So to cope, I've found myself doing all the stuff I wrote about earlier. More races. More people to see. More last minute projects at work to wrap up the year. More shopping for stuff I don't need. More I don't want to write about. Just stay busy. Keep moving forward. Don't think about it and trust that each day of moving forward, things will feel better.

Because on paper, we had it all. She was the cutest person I ever met, and towards the end of our marriage, we aligned in our faith and values. We also lived in Irvine, shared the cutest dog named Mayo and were ready to start a family. I was getting in good physical shape again. Work at Orora (my last job) was good thanks to my amazing spreadsheets. She was very popular at church. Lots of stuff to smile about.

Here’s the part I usually hesitate to say out loud but always want to talk about with anyone willing to listen.

What still keeps me up at night is that this new life is too much fun. I smile a lot. I can party on the dance floor and even don't mind breakdancing or doing karaoke in front of 100 strangers on a cruise. I can do 3 HYROX races the weekend after a half Ironman. Life is just too short to worry about what other think. And if I don't have time to blog here, so be it. Everyone is busy and most won't even make it this far.

So I worry that if I let myself enjoy this new life fully, I am somehow betraying Teri or rewriting our story. Or I'll never write that book I've talked about on this blog a dozen times.

Really, the book? Be realistic....

Let's title it for now "The Story of Terwin." By now, many of you have heard the summary when you've came over on one of Teri's death anniversaries. But instead of a 45 minute presentation, I want to write every detail of it. I'm thinking 150 pages. There's a lot to write about beyond what I've wrote on this blog. What's the purpose? Hopefully to inspire others to trust God when in the area of relationships.

So I thought of a great idea last month. Outsource!! Just like I try to do with everything in life I don't want to do...

Let me get a professional to help me write the book. Why try to do something I'm not good at, right? Then I can check another box on the bucket list. So I reached out to a few people on Fiverr, got a few proposals, sent them my draft, and right before I was going to click "Accept Proposal" with one of them, I got busy again.

Then I saw that there's ghostwriters. Even better! No one will know I didn't grind away at the book like I should do with my swimming and wall balls. I can get this thing published in a week or so. I can do what I'm best at doing, throwing a bunch of stuff over the fence (like this blog post) and have someone (like you) make sense of it. I apologize again for the messy brain dump.

Will the lingering guilt ever end?

I don't know. Probably not. Just like how I'll probably feel like this stage of Rebuilding and Remembering will be forever. Which just makes me say, just stay single. Easier than dealing with sorting all these emotions out with someone else.

So there are moments when I catch myself laughing or feeling genuinely excited about something, and my first instinct is not gratitude but confusion. Is it really possible to move forward and have an even better life without Teri?

I convince myself that there's no way since we had it all. Or it's because I think we had it all??

I have to be really honest if I miss the version of life where she was the one I came home to. Where my happiness was really shared with her. Even with all the complicated bible project discussions. Where the future was something we were building together, not something I am learning to carry alone. No amount of busyness, fitness, work success, or social life replaces that. It just distracts from it.

I am also honest enough to admit that I am afraid.

Afraid of moving forward incorrectly. Afraid of choosing comfort and convenience over depth. Afraid of forming attachments that feel good in the moment but are not rooted in the kind of love and purpose Teri and I eventually grew into, centered on a relationship with God. I can feel how easy it would be to settle for belonging without fully giving my heart again.

And yet, I also know this. Teri did not love a smaller version of me. She loved someone who lived fully, who showed up, who took risks, who cared deeply. I do not believe she would want me to shrink my life in order to preserve my grief. I think she would want me to live honestly, even when that honesty is messy and unresolved.

So here I am, over 32 months since Teri's passing, still learning to hold both. Still missing her and still smiling looking through all of our old photos, while still choosing to live and make the most of every single day God gives me on this earth. Feeling joy without erasing loss. Letting God shape this next chapter without rushing it or numbing it.

I'm sleepy. I do not know exactly what moving forward looks like yet. But I know it cannot be built on distraction alone. It has to be built on the right foundation. What does that practically mean? I'm figuring it out, but if I had to pick one thing for now, I want to do a better job with my BSF homework.

Thank you for reading and understanding why I still miss her very much. I still most welcome hearing about Teri, talking to her, and am glad I can click "Publish" to a long overdue post. I am grateful for the life we had and for each of you still journeying along with me here. And I am still figuring out how to live well in the life I have now.

Blessings,

Erwin