Nineteen Months | The IMCA Meltdown Run

Happy Tuesday morning everyone!

I had such a great weekend. Overall, relaxing and lots of fun having small group and then going to Yoga with Julianna on Sunday and then having dinner at the house. I'm so blessed to have lots of friends and family.

I'm doing another messy brain dump of what's been worth sharing about here before I get Into another busy week. Nothing urgent or that exciting. I'm doing fine.

First, it was so nice to be back at church and spend time on Saturday and Sunday with my life group:

Through the Storm, He is Lord, Lord of All...

On Saturday, we had the opportunity to serve at the Dancing Without Limits event that Mariner's church puts on for children with special needs. It was a lot of fun! Definitely one of those events that I hope we serve at every year.

What's not fun Is missing two Sundays in a row. Thankfully I'll be home for the foreseeable future unless anyone has an idea on where we or I should go?

So yea, lots of stuff has happened, but I'm sure all of you can say the same with what's going on with you. Everyone's pretty busy these days, especially with the holidays coming up. Mostly good stuff to share. But first, the not so good news...

Incident with Mayo and Accountability Ladder

The craziest part of the past few weeks wasn’t my race, it was an incident involving another dog by my house. TLDR: Mayo was off leash, ended up attacking a German Shepard and lost, had to get stitches. Yes it was Mayo who attacked the bog. He is okay, as if nothing happened.

Emilyn was out of town in Korea and incidents like these are best shared about over the phone with family. I love texting but know when it's best to pick up the phone. But since she was busy, I made this video about it:

I went through a lot of emotions about the whole incident. And some physical pain (my knees got pretty scratched up). Mayo is a pretty big deal I almost stayed home to take care of Mayo instead of going to my race. Seriously. I just can't imagine losing Mayo right now and need to be more careful.

In the video, I talk again about the accountability ladder. Not trying to lecture, just sharing what's on my mind. I’ve shared about this topic few times here that one off the best lessons I’ve learned while working at Orora:

Slide from Calgary 70.3 Presentation

After spending months training for my race, I couldn’t help but feel sad for others like my own dad, who have dedicated so much of their lives to work and helping others but now struggle with declining health. I try to spend time encouraging him to make healthier choices with diet and exercise, though I know it’s easier said than done. Seeing people in their 70s finish the same 140.6-mile race I completed gives me hope. I really want my dad to do a small triathlon one day. Sounds crazy, but after doing a bunch of these races, I think anything is possible if people just decide to do it and put in the time. It can't be me that wants it to happen, it needs to really come from the person.

Mayo can only be off leash at the dog park :)

Grief and the Accountability Ladder

Understanding life and navigating grief has become so much easier since this concept truly resonated with me last summer. It brings me a lot of peace when people own up to their issues without making excuses or blaming others. I realize I don’t have to be a victim to my past, including the pain of losing Teri. I don’t need excuses or to point fingers at others when things don’t go as planned. Here's another way I view the accountability ladder, another quote I've shared earlier this year (sorry (I keep recycling content):

“Every minute you spend feeling sorry for yourself is another minute not getting better, another morning you miss at the gym, another evening wasted without studying. Another day burned when you didn’t make any progress toward your dreams, ambitions, and deepest desires. The ones you’ve had in your head and heart your entire life.” ― David Goggins, Never Finished

Teri is having a great time in heaven, probably rolling her eyes here and there when I do stuff that I shouldn't be doing. She may have missed watching me crossing the finish line since she was busy doing other stuff. That's okay. We will see each other again one day. I still really miss her...

Ultimately, God is really in control of everything. I get it. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is on accident. Even through the storms....just like many of us sang at Mariner's this past weekend:

Christ alone, Cornerstone Weak made strong in the Saviour's love Through the storm, He is Lord Lord of all - Cornerstone (Hillsong Worship)

We've heard this too many times in church but do we really believe It and mean the words when we sing Cornerstone at church? And through the storms, He really is Lord, Lord of all…

I believe it. Even after making it to the next milestone...

Nineteen Months

This past Saturday marked nineteen months since Teri passed away. I'll say what I always say since I'm at a loss of words again, I can't believe it. There's so much on my mind but it's getting super late so I'm gonna try to type fast and get as much as I can out on paper. We can talk about it more in person if you're really interested.

How am I feeling? As usual… a bit all over the place.

I’ve been having lots of mixed emotions about these days, primarily about the purpose of my life. It's a confusing time again, especially after finishing my race, which has been a pretty big distraction to focus on over the past several months. Here's some of the photos:

I knew this was gonna happen, the bit of a low after a big event. It is what it is. I am quite relieved, it was a very stressful race week. Not ideal to have lots of stuff going on like the Mayo incident right before a race.

I am Feeling Thankful :)

While I’m not thrilled with the overall results, I was able to make it to the finish line and had a good last 5 miles of the run: This picture of my run splits best summarizes my race:

Erwin's IMCA "Meltdown" Run

This picture sums up everything I want to say about the race. In short, it shows that everything was going smoothly during the marathon until mile 14, when the “meltdown” began with cramping. The type of cramping that you should stop and just walk since there's no point In trying to run. I rarely cramp and during the few times I've cramped, I've never cramped this early. Luckily, the cramps eased up a bit by mile 22. I can't explain it... besides the fact that I had some chicken broth instead of coke at mile 21.

When I started cramping halfway through the run, I had to dig into my “cookie jar” of memories to fight through the pain and discouragement. Just as you pack gels and nutrition for the bike and run, you need something to fuel your mind—because no matter what, it's going to hurt. Here’s what kept me going:

• You’ve completed two Ironmans (2014, 2015) and several marathons. None of this long distance stuff is really new.

• Larry put you through a few brutal mountain bike rides with minimal nutrition (my fault not being prepared), lasting around four hours. You rode a flat course at a relatively low average power, and had plenty of nutrition while biking. You'll be fine.

• You’ve endured the loss of a spouse. Grief is endless, but this race has a finish line.

• Teri’s perseverance through her battle with cancer and being in the hospital (still feels like this was yesterday), our marriage, and our move to California. If she can deal with you and your ADHD... you can do anything :)

  
  

This is really what's going on in my head when things really suck. What I kept reminding myself was, no matter how much it hurts, I’ll cross the finish line, and this will be over. It’s the opposite of grief, which has no real finish line or maps on a website on what to expect on the course. I decided to sort of enjoy the experience and also embrace another literally painful lesson on humility, accepting that I wouldn’t negative-split the run—a goal I always want to talk about when my friends and family do a race.

I'm confused. Are you truly feeling thankful?

Yes. I think it’s a privilege to even have the time and resources to train for these races. To have gone through a loss of a spouse as fun and beautiful as Teri before turning 40 and now sort of use the experience when doing races really helps with having a strong mindset when racing (and life) really starts to suck. Most people I know are just trying to get through the day, juggling bills, work, relationships, and family responsibilities—it never ends. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and anxious just talking to to them. Perhaps similar to how some of you have felt when you talk to me.

When Teri was here, doing a full Ironman was not really on the table, especially in 2023 when we were focused on starting a family. I actually don't really recommend to others to sign up for full ironman, it just takes up too much time. Of course, I hope to keep doing these races if I meet someone and start a family again, but I’ve learned, as I did before I met Teri, that life doesn’t always go as planned.

I’m also thankful to have a great job in the healthcare / biologics space. This past Friday I had the opportunity to attend a local trade show in San Diego. It was nice to be on the floor and meet a bunch of potential customers:

No I didn’t meet anyone at the trade show…

Even better, the trade show was the same day as Khoa's birthday! Thankfully Khoa and family was free so we had hot pot, Teri's favorite:

Yes that's me holding Kora without her crying....

I can't believe Kora is two now, she's growing up so fast. Looking forward to seeing them again this coming holiday season.

Hot Pot… I think It's ridiculous that I’ve grown to like it now. All those times Teri would insist on going, and I’d do everything I could to get out of it, complaining about how much work it was to cook the food and stuff. Sometimes I'd be left off the hook since Teri was fine going with others and leaving me behind.

Now, I see what she meant. It’s not just about the food—it’s about those shared moments. In a way, having hot pot now brings me back to her, to those simple times I took for granted.

I am Feeling Conflicted :|

After doing a race, the question comes up regarding what’s next for me. Good question, I don’t know. I guess I wanna settle in my new job, get a new ERP system implemented (we are on QuickBooks) and do better at the races I signed up for:

• NEW as of today: LA Marathon (Goal: 3:30)

• April - Oceanside 70.3 (Goal: 5:15)

• May - NYC Runs half marathon  (Goal: 1:30)

• July - Oregon 70.3 (Goal: 5:00)

• October - Ironman California (Goal: 10:00)

Good to have goals, and just be consistent with training, all while having fun and not be bothered all the people telling me I’m crazy (many weren’t thrilled about me doing IMCA, all good).

What's the point with all the racing?

Most of you probably think I'm crazy....

I signed up for IMCA about nine months ago as a way to keep myself accountable. Without something on the calendar, I tend to get complacent and fall into making excuses and sliding down the accountability ladder. I know I shouldn’t rely on races for motivation, but I genuinely enjoy the process of training and competing. Plus, there’s the dream of one day qualifying for the Kona Ironman World Championships or the Boston Marathon. We’ll see what happens.

LA Marathon - Running with Purpose

Quick commercial break: At the top of my "doing hard things" list is running a race like the LA Marathon for charity and having to fundraise for the first time. The race itself isn’t the challenge—it’s the fundraising! Honestly, I find it so awkward. It’s why I always tell myself I’d never go into sales. My first thought was just to donate the full amount myself and keep it quiet. But that would completely miss the point. It’s good to ask for help and let others be part of the journey, even when it feels uncomfortable.

The whole asking for help thing really reminds me of my relationship with Teri. She'd always say, "Erwin, say what you need." I just wanted her to read my mind and figure stuff out without saying anything. Surprise surprise...doesn't really work that way, well at least with us.

If you're interested in donating to great organization like Door of Hope, check out my page here:

Thanks Melissa and Alex for being my first supporters!!

132 days left until the race. That's gonna be here soon....

I am Feeling “Ready” for the Holidays :)

I say this now but I'm sure it's gonna be another roller coaster....

The holiday season has seriously been off to a good start, starting with making it through Halloween. Edwin and Alex hosted a small get together with some great food. Mayo had a cute outfit to compliment the donut he had to wear because of the incident:

Thanks again Melody for thinking of Mayo while at the Disney store!

This year, I feel a bit more prepared to face the holidays without Teri, primarily thanks to finishing the Grief Share class. I’m actually sad it’s over. We finished the last day with testimonies from all the life groups that met that Tuesday, along with a nice dinner. During the sessions, I’d sometimes text a few of you, complaining about having to go—I would have rather been training or relaxing at home. I can be the worst, especially when there were snacks and I’d show up hungry from skipping dinner, so I'd end up eating almost all the snacks (several bags of chips, cookies, etc..). Not good. But each time, I’d leave feeling humbled and grateful I came. The video curriculum was excellent, and the stories shared by everyone in the group made it all worthwhile. Here’s a photo of us on the last day:

Griefshare class - 10/29/24

I’ll probably write an entire post on all of it at another time. One quote from the recent weekly email Daisy sent out has stood out to me:

Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting your loved one. Instead, it’s about finding ways to cherish and celebrate his or her life while embarking on a journey that brings new fulfillment to your own.

Being on my own journey has been interesting to say the least. Going back on the topic of purpose and what's next, I'm not really sure what brings me fulfillment, or at least what I consider fun. Some random stuff that comes to mind are:

• Fun going to yoga sculpt class, to sit in the front row and do reasonably well (keep up with the instructor's pace)

• Fun to cross of tasks in JIRA for my job and actually get stuff done (another great blog post idea)

• Fun to write all this random stuff on the blog (maybe not for you...sorry)

• Fun to do worship lyrics using ProPresenter at church

• Fun to hang out with Mayo and try to persuade him to hang out on the bed before sleeping (usually he doesn't come up to the bed until after I fall asleep)

I guess I'm OK with the list above if that's really what comes to mind. If you have any ideas, let me know :)

Time to sleep

Okay it's getting late. I'll share one thing that really made me smile, hearing from an elementary school friend named Michael regarding how I'm doing. He simply asked "How are you holding up?"

Michael and I played Pop Warner football in 5th grade. He played wide receiver and I played running back. I loved playing tackle football as a kid but am glad I stopped since it was a pretty dangerous sport. He was famous on the team for spiking the ball right before the end zone, which became a fumble instead of a touchdown. One of those memories you'll never forget. I literally haven't talked to him since elementary school, but we did add each other on Facebook. After Teri's one year death anniversary, he sent me this message:

Maybe there's people on your mind you haven't reached out in a while that would really love to hear from you. Not sure. Just letting you know that a few words can really make a difference. Don't wait until it's too late.

That's all for tonight. Thanks for reading, all your love, support, prayers, putting up with me being difficult, judgemental, laser focused on my race, etc... I really feel loved beyond what I deserve. Thank you.

And I just reread this blog post before posting and totally understand this is all over the place.

If you need anything and/or want to hang out, please let me know.

Have a great week!

Erwin