Now Boarding - The Holidays Roller Coaster

Hope you’re all doing well.

It’s been a fun and interesting last two weeks with a lot to reflect on regarding my grief journey. As usual, I figured a brain dump of what's on my mind wouldn't hurt, especially with another busy week coming up.

Workout Classes & Haircut for Mayo

Last weekend (Nov 9-10) I felt like I was at the top of the roller coaster that revolved around the “first world problem” of deciding which workout classes to attend. What I really should be doing is spending more time In the pool, especially after doing Ironman California a few weeks ago and the Revel Half Marathon on Saturday. I also managed to take Mayo for his long-overdue haircut.

Here's the before and after photos:

Why was this haircut overdue? Because of the incident, he needed extra time to heal. Also I think he looks cuter with longer hair. Okay that's the real reason.

Many of you have asked about how Mayo he's been doing since the incident. He's been great! He's acted as if nothing's happened, literally barking outside right now to "protect the house" from the dogs walking by. When we go on walks, he still still try to attack certain dogs for no reason. I don't get It.

Reflecting on the incident and knowing this was a really close call to losing him, I do get emotional thinking about how loyal (or crazy) he is to attack a German Shepard, all in the name of protecting me and the house. While he has a huge heart, he still needs to get some obedience and reactivity training. Great goals for 2025.

What also makes me happy is going to Pure Barre. I'm calling this a big distraction and not really needed if I already go to two other gyms and train for triathlons. But if you're in Irvine and want to attend with me (first class free) please let me know. Or even better, let me deliver it to you! I can come over and we can do the workouts with the whole family, no equipment needed:

Thanks Melody for letting me crash your Sunday dinner so we can all do Pure Barre!

If you want to try Pure Barre at home now, I highly recommend this 20 Min Pure Barre Lower Body Intensive with Isabelle Preston from XPotential+. It's one of those videos I've been watching over and over all week. Great workout!

I used to take classes while living In Brea, and I forgot how much I enjoyed it. There’s something about the pain associated with the tiny movements and the focus required – it just makes me happy when I'm all done. I'm also going to say that the results speak for themselves, as I did pretty well in my recent race with minimal running. Or perhaps it was all the yoga. Not sure.

I also swung by “The Hat” for dinner, a nice treat after Mayo’s grooming session in Lake Forest. It was a nice weekend.

Meeting more new Friends

Another high on the emotional roller coaster is getting to meet new people when I go to workout classes or TimeLeft dinners. Let's call it what it is.... I feel quite lonely at times coming home after a long day. Mayo just wants unlimited food and walks. To meet new people and even exchange contact information makes me feel a bit better, at least in the moment.

Two Mondays ago, I got the chance to meet a new friend named Marife. Most people at our gym know several others. She and I, not so much since we show up when our schedules allow. It didn't seem like she knew anyone in class that day, so I asked her to be my partner for the partner workout. Why her? She was alone, looked pretty fit, and of course I want to do well in any workout if there's any sort of competition involved. One of the reasons why I sort of miss doing Crossfit. I love competitions. Who wants to race at the LA Marathon? Great idea. Or at least you can donate.

It was a nice time working out while getting to know someone new. We talked a bit about work, fitness stuff, and then about family and relationships. I didn't take long for me to share about Teri and my recent experience of losing her. I showed her my phone wallpaper of Teri. Her heart pose makes it so easy to remember her during all my races, my new "go to" pose every time I see the camera:

Photos from the Saturday's Revel Half Marathon, Death Valley, and Israel

After class (FYI, we came in second place in the workout), we chatted for a while. Marife opened up about her boyfriend, who was recently diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. We both shared strong feelings about chemotherapy—how it can be so harsh on the body, killing everything in its path, yet realizing that for many, there are few other options. Her story weighed heavily on me, because Teri took this path, and knowing her boyfriend has three children. That's rough.

This past Wednesday, I also went to another TimeLeft dinner with four other strangers. One person I met was recently widowed due to her husband having cancer. We didn't get into the details of what happened, but also exchanged contact info and have kept in touch through text. There's something about connecting with new friends that are going through something cancer related or have lost their spouse that makes me feel like we can connect and talk for hours.

Putting Up the Christmas Decorations

Lots of high emotions with finishing races, attending fitness classes and meeting new people usually follow with some lows.

For the first time in a while, I woke up on a morning feeling both exhausted and discouraged. It was a very familiar feeling of earlier this year when I was going through a mild depression and just didn't want to get out of bed. Or i'd want to go back to bed in the middle of the workday, knowing I had a lot of work to do. I'm OK now.

Usually, I’m up before my alarm, eager to start the day with some cleaning before heading to a workout class. I try to sleep in because my Garmin keeps saying I need 9 hours to recover. But that morning was different. I still attended the 6AM Yoga CSX (strength) class scheduled, followed by some cardio, but instead, I found myself crawling back into bed to relax with Mayo – in my sweaty clothes.

After a short nap and giving into Mayo's demands of more belly rubs, I knew I had to do something. I felt an urge to get a head start on my Christmas decorations. On a weekday? I guess why not. Ticking things off the to-do list felt like it might lift my spirits. And in some way, it did. Decorating reminds me of Teri, especially during the holiday season. She loved this time of year, and putting up decorations helps me feel closer to her.

Wishing Teri and Mustard were still with us during this Holiday Season

I only managed to get halfway through before I had to get ready for work. Still, coming home to see the decorations brings a sense of warmth and comfort. Teri remains a huge source of joy for me, even now. In fact, I moved one of our engagement photos from the guest room into my bathroom – a small way to keep her close.

Lunch with Stacy

While it's fun to meet new people, what's even fun is reconnecting with friends i haven't seen in a while.

Of the highlights of last week was having lunch with Stacy, a former colleague from Inari Medical. Unlike most catch-ups that revolve around work updates, our conversation dove deep into the shared experience of grief. As I keep sharing over and over, losing a spouse is such a unique journey, and finding someone who understands it firsthand brings a huge sense of comfort. Especially after 19 months when it's been difficult to connect with people on how I've been feeling about missing Teri.

Stacy’s story feels so familiar. Eight years ago, she was living a “normal” life – working, vacationing, spending time with her two kids – when her late husband developed a persistent cough. After multiple doctor visits, they discovered he had metastatic lung cancer. Three months later, he was gone. Now, even years later, the anniversaries and memories in October and November still bring a flood of emotions. Hearing her story was a reminder that grief doesn’t have an expiration date, and that’s okay.

We both shared that the time in the hospital before our spouses passed away still feels like it was yesterday. It really does. Most of the time, I feel happy and encouraged, knowing we did the best we could that week and she's in a better place now. Once in a while, I'll go through the list of "what ifs" and think about the regrets I have in our marriage. I then reminded myself to keep clinging to Jesus more than ever by playing this song that I heard recently:

You're all I want You're all I've ever needed You're all I want Help me know you are near - Draw Me Close - Michael W. Smith

My hope in sharing this story is that if there's people in your life you haven't connected with but want to, send them a text and get something on the calendar. It may end up being after the holidays, but better than just waiting and hoping they'll take the first step.

Thanks Diana for always sharing the best stuff on our Instagram!

GriefShare Class – Surviving the Holidays

I gotta wrap up this post since I need to get ready for work. I was thankful to receive an email about a special “Surviving the Holidays” session from GriefShare, the grief support program I’ve been attending. My initial reaction was, “I don’t need to go…I’m doing great.” I was genuinely looking forward to doing other stuff that night like putting up all the holiday inflatables:

2023 Thanksgiving Family Photo with the Holiday inflatables

But then I noticed they were offering a free dinner, so I figured, why not go and keep an open mind? And just like all the other sessions, it turned out to be incredibly valuable. The session focused on ways to navigate the holidays with a heart that still grieves but also holds joy and gratitude. It was a wonderful reminder that it’s okay to embrace the holiday spirit, even if it looks a bit different now.

Thanks again Daisy and Free Chapel for hosting another great session!

Okay...so where are you today on the roller coaster?

It's past 8AM now and I need to head into the office. Lots to do.

I guess all I really wanted to wrap up with was how on the outside, things appear to be going really well for me. I have a great job, church, lots of friends and family that care about me, and am meeting new friends. I'm in excellent physical shape (minus getting sick on Saturday). I'm so thankful for the life I have and couldn't ask for more.

I won't forget what Stacy said to me a lunch, "Erwin, I'm so happy that you've handled your loss so well." Something along those lines. I reacted with, "You don't understand. I was quite depressed earlier this year. It was really rough."

And it still is from time to time.

Why do I always want to talk about Teri and my story, even with new people? I'm not sure. Why am I putting up even more stuff around the house that reminds me of Teri, like the photo of our engagement in my bathroom, even though I get a "high" of meeting new people at workout classes? I don't know.

I don't really have any answers regarding my situation. I don't think there even needs to be, as it's good to just be on the emotional roller coaster. I'm really thankful for all these feelings, even though I'm feeling even more confused with life as I wrap up this post. I guess what still comes to mind is what I've shared before about how the second year of grief can be even more difficult than the first. I just really miss Teri and can't wait to write about more of her in my next post, or at least share photos. I'm so thankful to be single and not make things complicated with a significant other who would have to talk through all of these emotions in person and would be even more confused. Especially during the holidays.

This may not make sense to a lot of people and I probably don't show it in person or on social media since I've been focused on staying busy and productive.

That's it. Thanks for reading, especially on a Monday with a busy week coming up. Miss you all and hope to see or at least talk to each and every one of you during this Holiday season. If you have any prayer requests, please share with me or in the comments.

Blessings,

Erwin