Paint & Wine Night | New Season in Life

Hello everyone,

It's been forever again. Hope you are all doing well! Can you believe it's already almost March...

First, a quick update on something a little out of the ordinary. The biggest one was that I had a Paint and Wine night on Valentine's Day. I learned more than I expected and needed a place to process it.

How it Started

A few weeks ago, I thought it would be a fun idea to host something fun for the students and supporters of my Fitness & Yoga Studio. It aligns with my theme I share every class on “Embracing Change.” This was also something I wanted to do for my E40 birthday conference but ran out of time to plan. I also thought it would be more fun to hang out with my friends on Valentine's Day, as it's usually not something I look forward to since Teri passed away. This is pretty much the opposite of just being home alone with Mayo.... sounds like a great idea right!?

Look at all the beautiful paintings and people :)

I'm good at the wine part but haven't painted in a very long time, probably decades. I'm also a terrible artist. I was one of the few in 7th grade that got a B in art class, I'll never forget. There's a reason why I like Excel spreadsheets. All to say that I should teach the painting class. What could possibly go wrong...

So I texted a few friends about it to see if there was interest, and thankfully most seemed agreeable to the idea. I then found a painting I liked that reminded me of Muir Rock, and bought a video tutorial (Melody's idea that she did with Albert a while ago). I was determined to watch the video and practice a few times, but just didn't get around to it:

Nice Flyer and Sample Painting

Thank You!

But like all my crazy ideas like my birthday conferences, it all worked out in the end. Special thanks to several people that made this happen:

• Kristen - Sample painting, coaching throughout my teaching, celebrating her Birthday with us!

• Kay and Khloe - Coming early to setup, made the punch

• Wang Family - Dealing with all the day-of coordination and food, photos

• Melody - Coming early and doing some dishes (usually she's busy during Valentine's Day)

• Dominique & Jean - Helping with setup, paint supplies, next day cleanup

• Mom - Making my favorite pasta

  
  

So many wonderful moms in these photos <3

Saturday Workouts

I think Saturdays are now my favorite day of the week! I feel great when I'm done with my workouts.

I feel better throughout the day when I work out in the morning. Especially during work days. Sometimes I sleep in, and then feel so tired and anxious during the workday. Not sure why. So on Saturday morning before the party, I planned these fun workouts:

• Mountain Bike up Coal Canyon with Larry

• Stride HYROX class w/ Coach Jenann

• 2K Swim at Woodbridge (hardest part of the day for sure)

The Stride HYROX class was my favorite not just because it's a challenging workout, but also because Coach Jenann noticed I wore red to match the Valentine's Day theme. "Matching" is one of my core values. Even though the Atlanta shirt was cotton, it wasn't too bad during the workout.

T minus 3.5 Hours until Painting Time...

I got home from the pool at 1:30pm, the exact time that lunch was delivered (no time to pick it up). I was locked in. Go time! Let's get the party started. Shortly after, a few of my close friends/BFFs came over to help with the setup and got through the messy todo list:

Lots to do, thankfully Phoebe and family saved the day!

I'm so thankful and proud of my very talented friends. The food and decorations looked amazing:

Yummy desserts and charcuterie :)

It got a bit hectic getting everything ready for the event. I bought a video tutorial, but really didn't want to use it and wanted to teach everyone. It was more fun to teach everyone something I wasn't good at. Did it work out?? You tell me:

Lots of beautiful people and paintings!

So What Did you Learn from all this?

While the photos all look great and everyone had fun, I actually walked away from the event pretty discouraged. Partly because it was a stressful day with a lot of unknowns. Of course there were some last-minute cancellations. One friend couldn't make it because she had another paint night.... Shoulda asked earlier. That was part of it.

I feel like Paint and Wine night summarizes a pattern in my life that happens very often.

The Pattern

• I come up with some idea that's very different

• "ADHD" mode kicks in, gotta make it happen and go above and beyond!

• I get ahead of myself, busy, a bit overwhelmed, no time to even delegate

• I overthink, focus on a lot of little details that don't matter (I bought 3 different canvas sizes)

• Crunch time! Event is here! Go go go....

• Everything comes together last minute, usually with the help of my "on-call" friends/family that are used to all of it

• The event works out very well in the end (people are happy and say nice things)

• I feel sad about it afterwards (why did I do it, it could have been better)

Seriously. E30 and E40, same thing. During E30, Alex saved the day stepping up as the day of coordinator. During E40, Salina flew down and was a tremendous help. My wedding? Thankfully Teri was in charge and forced us to hire a coordinator ahead of time. She wasn't having it with my last minute heroics.

With teaching Yoga every week, it's sort of the same thing. I tell myself, I really should sit down and plan a really good sequence, instead of just figuring it out a few minutes before class (or during class). Why not just block out the time to plan? That takes work.

If I'm really honest with myself, It's more that I feel better knowing I didn't give 100% to something, so if it doesn't go well, then I have an excuse.

In other words, I'm afraid of disappointing myself with finding out my true potential. Giving something 100% and it's still not good enough.

This is one of the areas I’m working with my therapist on for the past several months. It’s also why I just try do to everything vs focus on one thing, well, at least with my fitness goals. Why focus on running when I can do triathlon, HYROX, and yoga? Then I have an excuse when I don’t do that well. Or even at work and how many times I'll come up with new ideas the team should work on vs. just letting them finish what we started. Why do one project well when I can take on several and drag them out longer than they should take?

Like if I were to have practiced teaching how to paint and watched the tutorial video meticulously like I wanted to, and if people's paintings didn't turn out well, I'd feel disappointed. If I just wing it, then whatever happens, happens.

The tutorial video everyone wanted me to show... but I didn't since it's better for me to teach something I don't know how to do...

I have a lot of other stories that come to mind, but there's probably no point in making a list.

But maybe this is OK. Maybe none of this really matters? I'm not sure. I just know this bothers me a lot and right after the event, I said, "Never again will I ever teach a painting class!!" I didn't even post about it on social media (similar to E40). I was over it. Time to move on.

More fun event photos <3

This Pattern in Relationships

First, one thing to note, a friend at the party saw my wedding thumb print picture:

She said, just want to be honest, if there's anyone you're interested in and they saw that still up in your house, they would think you're not ready to move forward.

I smiled, and appreciated the feedback. It's still up. It's a nice tree and I don't have anything I can think of putting there. I'm open to ideas.

I think this painting event bothered me since it actually brought back a lot of memories with my relationship with Teri.

I met her and wanted to marry her right away. I made a lot of promises. I got way ahead of myself since I was very confident everything was going to be great. I had the house, read all the Christian books, had lots of friends and support. What could possibly go wrong?? Most of you still reading know I did and there wasn't much you can say to me that would have slowed me down. I just don't really listen to anyone when my heart is made up.

I also thought about what it would be like at home if she were around and I still wanted to do this idea. She would be pretty confused and would have said something like, "why are you interested in doing an event with mostly women?" Why do you want to teach something you don't know what you're doing? To show off?"

In our relationship, we learned the hard way several times:

• Wedding planning

• Moving to California

• Figuring out how to be married

There were seasons where I felt overwhelmed. Seasons where I thought, “Why did we do this?” Seasons where I wondered if I was capable of being the husband I said I would be.

But overall, everything worked out. All of it. From The day we met, to today.

• Not because I was perfect.

• Not because I planned everything meticulously.

• But because God is fully in control of everything. Past, present, and future.

And while I know that this Is true, God really is fully in control. Then maybe I can loosen my grip a little?

• Maybe I don’t have to protect myself with 80% effort.

• Maybe I don’t have to overfill my plate so I always have an excuse.

• Maybe I can let go more of being the star of the show. Next time I could show the tutorial video instead of teaching everyone how to paint! That's gonna take a lot of work...

A New Season in Life...

There’s something that feels almost unpopular to say out loud. Lately I feel like the feeling of grief I have for Teri is similar to how I feel about my Grandpa (Daddy Eddie) and Dad. A good place to be, with minimal sadness. I will always miss them and want to remember them, but I'm really OK without them and can just be thankful to God for the season in life that we shared on this earth.

It's because in some ways, my life feels lighter now and I am simply a lot happier than I've ever been. It feels strange to admit that, but it’s true. It's hard to talk about this because:

• That doesn’t mean I loved Teri any less.

• It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t choose her again.

• It doesn’t mean I don’t still miss her.

It just means this season, or at least 2026 so far, feels quite different. I just want to make things happen this year. With my bible reading. Learning more about these confusing Old Testament books in BSF. Hitting my race goals. Swimming more than I go to yoga. Running the best IT department in Orange County. Lots of stuff.

Early Birthday Party in the Office! Note the peach colored plates... so thoughtful!

When we were married, life was full. Intense. Ambitious. I felt such an urge to provide and get life in order. I was happy but it was pretty darn stressful and most days I just didn't feel like I was doing enough. I felt like we were just getting started with the whole surrogacy thing. Two strong personalities trying to build something meaningful together, with one of them having to uproot themselves to be here. It was fun and exciting, but pretty darn complicated. It was quite the roller coaster.

There was refining. Friction. Growth. A lot of learning the hard way.

Now, life is quieter and simply too much fun. I will admit that despite the stress, I still had fun and looking at all the photos of the pretty paintings makes me smile.

According to my Garmin, my average stress level seems to get lower and lower. What a great thing for me as I turn 42 next week!

• It's nice to make decisions without long discussions (unless it's for work...)

• I host events without explaining them.

• I train, write, and build at my own pace (unless my coach complains...)

There is a freedom in that. And it would be dishonest to pretend I don’t feel it.

But freedom doesn’t cancel love.

• I can still miss her.

• I can still be grateful for what we had.

• I can still believe that season was exactly what it was supposed to be.

If God is truly in control of the past, present, and future, then maybe I can loosen my grip a little and just be happy and smile more.

• Maybe I don’t have to prove anything.

• Maybe I don’t have to protect myself with partial effort.

• Maybe I can just live fully in the season I’m in.

I’m beyond grateful for the past. From flying to Atlanta on 2/28/17 for our first dinner to walking her home to Jesus on 4/2/23. I will always remember her. I will always honor that season.

I’m even more excited about the present.

And I’m hopeful about what’s ahead.

Thanks for reading! Let's hang out soon.

Blessings,

Erwin