Holiday Season Reflections

“Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won't matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.” ― Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

Dear Muir Rock Family,

Happy Monday!

As we wrap up 2024 and head into 2025, I've been thinking a lot about marriage again and how much I still miss being married to Teri. But I'm beyond thankful that I can keep moving out into the world with strength. One day at a time.

Thankfully I made it through almost all of the holiday season. Lots to talk about. Hope you made it too? Besides a few phone calls, I didn't get any 1:1 time with anyone for most of the month of December except with my therapist, so I I'll just do a brain dump here like I always do of what I'd want to share with you if you were to come over and we were to walk Mayo around the lake.

But first, there's so much to be thankful for, starting with everyone's cards:

Thank you for all the cards! You can send me one if you didn't and have extra...I'll send you a Mayo sticker in return :)

Lots of fun in December! Thankful for so many different communities that all feel like family. I am loved beyond I deserve.

Christmas Eve

Overall, life has been pretty good. Lots of first world problems that I've been proactively creating...

On Christmas Eve, it was almost like I was trying to find stuff to be anxious about. Seriously. Not sure why. Maybe I just needed some excitement? No fun having everything ready to go and to be on time, right? I don't get it...

I had the day off. But I contemplated going into the office to finish up some stuff I didn't get around to on Monday. I didn't end up going in since I still ran out of time. Actually I just wanted to spend as much time with Mayo as possible since I had to leave him home alone overnight, especially when he's so clean after getting groomed:

Some cute photos of Mayo...how could I leave him home alone for so long??

After working out in the morning, I decided to stop by Costco to look for some last minute Christmas gifts I didn't even need. But you never know what you'll find at Costco, right? Maybe I needed some gifts for myself. Parking lot was way too crazy, so I just went back home.

At around 11AM I started making my Christmas card. This clearly wasn't planned, just felt like I should do something and how nice I felt last year when I sent something out to my friends and family. Just like these blog posts, it took longer than expected and ended up getting to both my Christmas lunch at Dan and Phoebe's house and Christmas dinner In San Diego a lot later I hoped.

My Christmas Cards

Merry Christmas - Erwin and Mayo

Why make one when you can make two, right?

I first made the one on the left, but then took a look at all the Christmas cards I've collected. None of them really had any group pictures, so I ended up making the card on the right with just me and Mayo.

I felt like the first card shouldn't go to waste. So I just sent them both out. I know I'd feel happy making it on someone's Christmas card, so why not?

I also took the time to look at what I wrote from 2023 before I wrote my 2024 card:

I love opportunities to show pictures of me and Teri :)

I can’t believe it’s been a year since last Christmas. I feel the same way now as I did last year. I miss Teri. She really loved Jesus. And she was the cutest. And she would have made our cards several weeks ago. She doesn't do all the last minute stuff like I do all the time.

Here's a link to the post I wrote a year ago if you want to see the rest of our cards:

• 2017-2023 Christmas Cards

I used the same bible verse, Teri's favorite. Wasn’t sure what else to use. Can't go wrong with Joshua 1:9.

Here's what I wrote this year. I wasn’t too happy with the message, I kept going back and forth. Finally I had to leave for the party so I just called it a day and started sending it out. I've gotten a lot better at not overthinking things and not needing things to be perfect.

2024 has been a year of rebuilding and remembering, shaped by both challenges and blessings. The ornaments Teri lovingly made for us now hang as cherished reminders of her creativity and the inspiration she continues to bring. This year brought milestones and celebrations. In March, I marked my 40th birthday with friends and family. In August, I began a new chapter as Head of IT at Induce Biologics. In October, I crossed the finish line at Ironman California. Each of these moments was made even more meaningful by the memories and influence of Teri, whose legacy lives on in everything I do. The second year of grief has been more difficult than the first, yet it has also been a year of growth. Healing has been a journey of balancing love and loss, teaching me that grief and hope can coexist. Through it all, I've found strength to honor the past while stepping into the future. As we celebrate this season, I'm reminded of the love that surrounds us and the blessings that unfold. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, filled with peace, love, and cherished memories.

That's all I could really fit on the card. Of course there's always more to share about. What a year it’s been, so many ups and downs. Some other fond memories of 2024 included:

• Ironman 70.3 Chattanooga

• My Goal Medal Calgary Trip

• Celebrating Our 5th Terwinniversary in Atlanta

• Mayo’s Incident and the Accountability Ladder

I’m so thankful for this blog and the privilege I have to write here a few times a month. When I get discouraged, I read my older posts and remind myself that there's been progress on this grief journey, now focused on rebuilding and remembering. I wish everyone had time to do something similar. If you have a blog and I’m not subscribed to it, please let me know.

On paper, 2024 was quite the year for me. I'm so blessed in so many ways. I get lots of compliments and all sorts of stuff: Handling grief, being in good shape, surviving an ironman race, helping out at church, etc. I really should spend the rest of this post writing all the things to be thankful for. It would take forever.

It was a blessing that on Christmas eve, I was finding things to make my life feel more anxious. I'm just so relaxed these days everywhere I go. Maybe it's going to yoga everyday? Or having a job that's not stressing me out all the time. I'm not sure. I’m sure it’s a bunch of things. Most likely though it's because I'm single again. Marriage was a lot of work and took up a lot of time. More on that later.

My Time in San Diego

I’m thankful for to return to San Diego to see Khoa and her extended family for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Having routines in life that remind me of Teri has made all the difference in my life, and no question, seeing Khoa and family Is one of them.

Stephanie, who hosted the dinner, has been following my social media content. She made some amazing bread. She gave me a starter so “Chef Erwin” can get into bread making. Should be interesting. Like making butter cake, it seems so complicated. But might as well learn.

Kora is so cute!

I’ve also gotten better at socializing at parties and having good conversations with strangers. I had a nice talk with Stephanie's husband's dad over dinner. Maybe the TimeLeft dinner thing has been helpful? Or I’m just a lot more curious about people. In high school, I remember attending lots of parties and just wanting to take a nap or sit by myself. I can’t say I’m extroverted as I feel so drained afterwards.

My time with Teri (Driving to Irvine)

I feel a bit selfish saying this, but the most emotional part of Christmas was during my 90 minute drive back to Irvine. I just wanted time to remember Teri. So I ended up listening to the Muir Rock Videos playlist on YouTube. It's an easy way to feel close to her again and be reminded of her influence on my life.

The playlist takes me through lots of highs and lows. The highs include Teri's "Mayo on the table" original video. I can watch this on repeat all day:

Why is Mayo on the table? According to Teri, Denver allowed this to happen...

All this social media stuff some of you are seeing on IG/TikTok started with Teri's video. I made my own video and it ended up getting a ton of views. I then figured if I just stay consistent with posting random content, you never know what will happen...

I felt the lows when listening to Teri's videos at the hospital. There was this one in 2017, right before her first surgery:

Interviewing Teri before her Surgery

There's something about this video that always gets me, including the part about moving to California. I feel sad when she says she’s gonna make it, and although she did the first time around, she didn’t make it when the cancer came back. Her voice in the video makes me smile as well.

And this one I've shared here before. The three things that brought Teri closer to God:

I think this video really captures all of Teri’s key lessons in life. This and our marriage highlight video is always the most emotional for me.

This time around, It got me thinking of what key lessons in life that I have to share with the world. Most of my messages have been shared on this blog. But if I were to summarize what I've learned and my hopes for everyone I meet in an elevator pitch, it would be:

After losing my wife Teri to cancer and reflecting both her legacy and our life together since we met in 2017 for quite some time, the biggest lesson I've learned is how important it is to have patience, perseverance and humility in everything we do. I really thought I had all the answers when I came into marriage, and it didn't take long for me to see that I didn't. I was most humbled when we almost got divorced after being separated for 3 months in late 2020. It was also after when she passed away and I read some of her journals that I was really mistaken about who she was and what she was going through during our most difficult times. Looking back, I wish I took more time to slow down, listen, and really understand her and her heart instead of being so busy and caught up in being a provider and getting things done. My hope now is that people don't have to experience such a loss to learn these lessons. Life really is short. Take the time now to examine your priorities, relationships, and why you do what you do everyday, since every day counts. And if you need help, get help. Don't let pride get in the way like it did during most of my time while I was married.

I know there's more lessons for me to learn in the near future.

Watching Teri share this at the hospital a few days after she found out about her cancer returning was a helpful reminder of what should my priorities be coming into 2025. I've been so focused on fitness lately and have lost sight about my most important goal for 2024, finishing the bible. I'm about 2/3 the way through. I did what I thought Teri would do... not finish something I committed to.

What was also special about my drive back was how the end of "Where I am Standing Now" finished right as I pulled into the driveway. Hearing "Living Hope" and "Where I am Standing Now" always reminds me of Teri.

My real wish for 2025… to win the future spouse lottery (again)

I watched my wedding video a few times, which reminded me of our vows:

Every time I fly into Atlanta, I see the Georgia Lottery booth outside the baggage claim. Who would’ve known that I would be the only true Georgia Lottery winner?  In the past, I always thought I knew what I wanted in someone and also assumed she would be local, but God knew best, and as usual, He had a much bigger, much better plan. - Erwin's Vows 9/8/19

What I think about the most is the idea of dating and falling in love again. I’ll say the same thing… it’s so complicated. Well, maybe I think it’s complicated. Is it really? It shouldn't be.

Marriage was a lot of work...

As I shared at the beginning of this post, marriage really does have the power to set the course of your life as a whole. It certainly did to me if I'm still talking about it after being widowed for almost 20 months. And there's still so much more to share about. I really gotta make 2025 the year that I write that book...

If I were to rate how happy I was while married, on a scale of 1-10, my average was probably a 6.5. There were so many difficult days with Teri to the point that I wanted a divorce. But there were lots of good days as well. More good days than difficult days. Some of you reading this know that there was some crazy times we were going through. Our therapist almost gave up on us!

By God's grace, the last 6 months before she passed away I felt like everything was a 9. We were on it with life:

• New job at Orora for Erwin

• Lots of ministry opportunities for Terwin at church (but no promotions for Erwin...lol)

• We were ready to start the process of having a child through surrogacy

  
  

Teri also made the bold decision to get off of her Antidepressants. That was a huge win for both of us, mental health was always a sensitive topic for us because of all the challenges we went through in 2021.

Singleness (before and after Teri) has been a lot of fun...

For the last few months in 2024 I would say I’m a 9, with the main reasons outlined on my card. While I can feel quite emotional and sad when I go deep with my time remembering Teri like I did while driving from San Diego to Irvine, I quickly to get to a good place because of the rythtms and goals below:

• My new job at Induce Biologics

• Going to yoga classes every day

• Completing Ironman California

• Meeting new people often at church and fitness classes

I have such a low stress and anxiety level now. It's strange, as many of you know me to be more on the anxious, or at least really busy side. The only anxiety I get these days is when I'm around anxious people, so now I'm trying to avoid them. I want to be like Teri and tell everyone to "calm, quiet, relax."

I don't know that many people that feel this way since everyone seems so overwhelmed, especially during the holidays. Most are in "survival mode" I’ll have my moments here and there, but it was nothing like earlier this year, and when I was married.

I think in 2025, this probably won't be the case for me. Work will get a lot more busy, we have some major projects coming up that's due in Q1. Lots to do. I don't want to get ahead of myself that this how my life will always be, like I thought it was before I met Teri.

So what do you hope for in 2025?

I get a couple people asking me about what do I wanna do next year. career wise, I couldn’t ask for a better position. Health and fitness wise, I have some goals for each of my races. That would be nice to achieve that are ambitious, but realistic. All my races will also take care of my travel needs, since a few of them are out of town.

What I really want is to win the spouse lottery again. When I look back at when I met Teri and taking her ring shopping a month after I met her, I don't think I was that crazy. I knew I won the lottery and didn't see much of a need to wait. But everything worked out regarding timing and we had an awesome wedding, right before covid.

Another cute video of Teri I shared here before. Hope you got something cool for Christmas like Teri did!

I guess I just tell myself to keep doing what I'm doing, and take things one day at a time. If I meet a spouse, great, if not, life is good since I was already married and I can continue focusing on rebuilding and remembering. While I have a handful of goals, more important than the goals are just making the most of each day and just being thankful to be alive and well. Tonight I'll go to some yoga classes, I'm really excited about it. If you wanna come, let me know.

Okay I gotta go to work now, as usual I'm not done but I'll write a post later this week since it will be 20 months since she passed away on Jan 2.

Thanks for reading an Happy New Year!

Blessings,

Erwin