It is OK to be OK | Seventeen Months

Hello Muir Rock Family,

Happy Labor Day!

Like usual I’ve been learning a lot about all sorts of and have been a bit busy to write or even talk about it here.

So I don’t further behind, I broke one of my rules last night: using my phone in bed to write most of this post. Mayo wasn’t thrilled about it….

He prefers belly rubs vs. me using my phone…

He’s also not thrilled that I cut his walk short since it was getting dark and I was getting tired. Luckily I have the day off tomorrow so no excuse for me to take him on a long walk around the lake.

It’s OK to be OK

Warning….not sure if this section or this whole post will make any sense. Maybe you can figure it out and let me know in the comments?

One of the recent discoveries I made with my therapist lately is to be OK with being OK. Since I started working with him a few years ago, there’s always something urgent to cover. For a while it was about Teri and grief, then about how to move forward, and also about work. There have also been times he recommended I see him twice a week.

Coming into this past session, I started off feeling hopeless about my challenges with my diet. Usually I would get home from work and can’t really think of anything else to do that would make me feel better. So lately I’ve been eating two dinners again, even though I’m not even hungry.

He asked me if this problem of binge eating at night has been a problem for a while. I said yes, even before I met Teri.

He reflected on previous conversations and then suggested that it’s probably related to my childhood, and most likely not being told “no.” That made sense to me. I usually got whatever I wanted growing up. I never really learned how to wait.

Then I thought, is this really a problem? I mean I’m also training ~15 hours a week for my race and maybe my body is just trying to tell me something. Overall I feel pretty good and can probably finish my race tomorrow if I had to do it.

He then pointed out that I have a hard time being neutral, or just OK. That’s true too. I always need to either make life super complicated, or find something to do that some would consider ridiculous (birthday conferences, ironman triathlons, buying cars, etc). I struggle with just living a normal life and being OK.

Practically speaking, I said I’d feel very confused if I met him next week and told him everything is fine. How could that be?? I need something to work on with him. But maybe I don’t and I can be okay with having a normal life again. Perhaps I don’t want to let go of doing these therapy sessions since I always get something out of them.

Okay my brain is hurting just thinking about all of this. I guess the point of sharing this with you is that I’m discovering that it’s OK that I’m OK these days.

But are you really OK??

I think so, but you can tell me otherwise. Just like my dating life, I’m open to whatever…. if you know someone that’s Christian, cute, and chooses Facebook messenger, please send them my way :)

What does it even mean to be OK in the first place? I guess for nothing too exciting to be going on. To say “I’m fine” when asked how I’m doing and really mean it.

One way to know if I am OK is my overall anxiety level regarding being single. It’s been pretty darn low. The freedom to do whatever I want after work is pretty nice. No lectures. I have lots of amazing friends to spend time with. I had a great time last night celebrating Deji’s birthday:

I had one job.. take a good selfie and not cut myself off ;(

Side note: This is one very special group of friends that has no problem going into really deep and heavy conversations that end up lasting 5+ hours. So thankful for Susan (known her since 7th grade) to have brought us all together in the first place and Shayna for coordinating our get together. If I were in charge we would have just ended up at StoneFire grill or The Hat. Can’t wait to see them again on a few months!

I’m also thrilled to be at my new job. I can’t believe it. I was sharing with Kevina and Ted at church about how blessed I am to work for a great CEO and company. I also feel like I can also take care of myself and not feel the need to work long hours and weekends. This actually makes me want to work on the weekends. I am only two weeks into the job so we will see how things go.

Later that evening, Kevina texted me something that made me happy:

So great to see you today! 🥹 safe travels to Atlanta! What a significant time to visit Teri. I was so happy to be back at Mariners today and she will always be one of the first friends who helped make mariners so special to me. I miss her. 🙂

Earlier in the week, Melody also shared this photo with me, a variation of what I’ve posted before:

Seeing this made me feel a bit better and was a good reminder that it’s OK if my black ball is really big and stays that way.

Melody also shared how her daughter Madison brings up Teri in conversations often. Hearing that made me smile, knowing that Teri has really made such an impact in her life and won’t ever be forgotten.

So I guess I think the general public will agree that after 17 months of losing my beloved wife Teri, I’m doing OK. And I’ll accept it. I’m excited to talk to my therapist later on this week to let him know that everything is OK….

Seventeen Months

Today will be the seventeen month anniversary of Teri’s passing. And to no surprise I still think of her several times throughout the day.

The highlights of my past week had everything to do with Teri and talking about her.

For some people, they love talking about work and what’s happening. I used to be this way. Not as much anymore. I actually don’t wanna hear about work when I’m with people but I know it’s important to them, especially if most of us will spend 1/3 of our lives working.

Set up a desk for our new hire starting Tuesday :)

Others love talking about fitness stuff. I probably will soon as I get closer to my race. To be honest I am kinda over the race and regret signing up. Doing a half Ironman is one thing but a full Ironman is kind of ridiculous. I rode 44 miles this morning and ran 3 miles afterwards and I was pretty tired. Not good.

Some like to talk about church and what they are learning. Lately it’s been a challenge because we just finished a series on prayer and prayer has always been difficult for me. This past Sunday’s sermon was another helpful reminder to just keep praying and not over think what I am even praying about.

Cute pets like Mayo are always fun to talk about. I’ve made a bunch of these “Mayo on the Table” videos this past week but didn’t really send them to anyone. Here is one from a few hours ago, sorry it’s so long:

Why was Mayo on the table? Since I put his treat thing on the table...my fault

In Tuesday’s Grief Share class, there were a few new people that joined, which means we all went around the room to share our story. I try to keep my story brief so others can share (and because class ends late and I wanna go home). But so many follow up questions come up. Many of them are curious about our story.

It seems like most of the women in class (I’m the only male) didn’t really have a place to talk or process their grief. Most just chose to internalize all of it and not even share with their own husbands. I don’t get it. Makes me feel sad. I felt like an outlier, since I felt like I took a different approach with talking about Teri with so many of you and continuing to blog here. Thank you all for loving me in this way with your time.

At work, I’ve shared with a few colleagues about Teri. I have a few photos of us in my office and many will ask about her when they see them. I’m thankful for my colleagues and their genuine interest in hearing about her.

Lunch with Nancy

On Saturday, I had lunch with Nancy and Tana. Nancy is Teri’s friend from Atlanta and was in town for the long weekend. She and I are quite similar, always busy and working, trying to make the most out of life. She also works in IT (for Microsoft) and used to Turo her cars (like I did).

I haven’t seen Nancy in about 2 years. Our last meal was actually with Teri at Broddard in Garden Grove. Nancy reminded me that at the time of our meal, Teri wasn’t really up for eating since she had some stomach pains. That made me feel sad, wondering if it would have been better to get those X Rays done in August 2022 instead of February 2023.

We spent the first half just catching up about work and random stuff. All good. She then brought up Teri and shared with me about what happened last year (7/4/23) during the Peachtree Road race:

Nancy retold the story over lunch as if it happened yesterday. It was quite overwhelming to hear, especially because she didn’t talk to Teri that much since we got married since everyone is busy. It was a reminder about how everyone’s story about grief is so unique and worth listening to.

I also shared in a lot of detail about my time with Teri from early February 2023 until she passed away. It felt comforting to know that Nancy was so interested in all the details, 17 months after her passing. It also felt like the whole thing happened yesterday.

Nancy also shared something I’ve never heard before.. she said that Teri has been talking to her.

I was so curious about what she’s heard. She said something along the lines about how Teri fulfilled her purpose on this earth, and is patient with me right now with when I’ll be ready to move forward. That’s the short story. My own interpretation of her words is that Teri is fine with me dating others again, and wants me to be happy.

Nancy also shared that since I have a lot more time now, I can learn even more about Teri than ever before. It's true. I can't believe how much my relationship has grown with Teri, and she's not even here! Maybe I'm not OK....

FYI that I had no idea this conversation was coming. I’m still processing all of it, as it was one of the heaviest conversations I’ve had about Teri in many months. We actually didn’t have set plans to meet up. I was supposed to see my dad at this time but he has to cancel on me at the last minute. It's amazing how God can orchestrate plans like these.

I was really encouraged to hear all of this from Nancy. Our conversation made me cry a little bit, something I haven’t done in a while. It’s never easy to share any of this with someone like me, not knowing how I’d take it.

If she would have said this stuff to me last year, or earlier this year, I probably wouldn't have received it well.

It was a really nice time for us to catch up. We could have talked for hours but I had to meet Susan, Deji, and Shayna for our early dinner and didn’t want to be late.

Towards the end of our time together, Nancy also shared her genuine interest in reading Teri’s childhood book and wanted to just learn more about her. It was a good reminder about my own book I’m working on and to not get too busy with other distractions so I can try to finish it by the end of the year.

Cindy, Nancy, Teri and Erwin @ Terwin's Engagement Party (9/23/17)

Conclusion

I’m at the dog park and need to get home to clean the garage. I also know it’s time to go when Mayo just sits next to me:

“Time to go home dad” - Mayo

I’ll wrap up today with trying to answer Susan’s question again from Saturday night.

Where does Teri fit into your life now?

Well it was something along those lines. Sorry I’ve done a pretty bad job with recalling all of my conversations with people this past week.

My answer as of 9/2/24, 1:54PM is that I’m overall in a very thankful place right now of the season I was blessed to have known Teri from our first meeting on 3/1/17 to our last on 4/2/23.

From my first photo on 3/1/17 to my last on 4/1/23, she was always so beautiful.

I still miss her so much and can’t wait to see her again in heaven. She was so special and is worth writing about, 17 months later since she left us to be with Jesus.

So one day at a time, I’m going to keep doing what I enjoy doing:

• Sleeping with her peach colored sheets

• Buying random cute things that remind me of her

• Visiting her and our friends in Atlanta from 9/6 to 9/8 for what would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary (let’s hang out if you’ll be around)

• Talking about her on this blog and with those like Nancy that want to hear more about her

• Make videos of Mayo that remind me of her

It's possible do everything above while while having an open mind about meeting someone new, with the hopes that I’ll get married again. The black ball in the jar doesn't get any smaller if someone new comes around.

Teri really left me with such a beautiful picture of what marriage looks like with God at the center of it. But if God calls me to stay single, I can trust him completely that he will take care of me.

So maybe I’m not just OK. I’m better than OK. And I really thank God and all of you for loving me in so many ways I don’t deserve. Like reading this far.

In closing, thank you for reading and being a part of this journey. I really am so thankful to have been through everything I've been through and even though I miss Teri so much, I know that everything happened for a reason that only God understands.

Have a great rest of your Labor Day and looking to sharing more this coming weekend while I’m in Atlanta!

Erwin