Learning to Go Slower | 40 Months

Erwin Edillon
5 hours ago
10 min read

Not every relationship is meant to last. Not every relationship is meant to be a life story. Some are only meant to be a chapter. That chapter can be beautiful, intense, and even life-changing, but still temporary. Don’t measure every relationship by whether it lasts. Measure it by what it taught you and who it helped you become. - Jillian Turecki

Hello everyone,

Happy Friday! It’s been a pretty heavy last few weeks for me. I wouldn’t say I’m going through a midlife crisis or anything, but lately I’ve been thinking again about why I do what I do day in and day out, what actually matters, and whether I’m spending my time on the people and things I’m supposed to be spending it on. The hard thing I wanted to finish today was this blog post since, like swimming, I usually feel a lot better when I’m done.

I actually have a few unfinished blog drafts from everything that’s happened over the past few months, that are now "overcome by events." Overall, lots of good things have happened and I’m incredibly blessed in so many ways. I just never got around to finishing them because I either got distracted or maybe I’ve been sorta over the need to do my usual brain dump about everything happening in my life. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’ve been spending a little more time actually living life instead of constantly trying to understand and document every part of it. But the last few weeks have given me enough to think about.

Cancer Battles — Prayers Needed

It's been heavy for me because in the last few weeks, I was told of two of my dear friends, Jon and April, are fighting late stage cancer:

Hearing the news brought back a lot of painful memories of Teri’s cancer and that feeling I wish wasn’t so familiar: the shock, uncertainty, helplessness, and strange way life can suddenly divide itself into “before we knew” and “after we knew.” Jon was one of my pastors and mentors when I was younger in my faith, and looking back I can see how much his steady presence shaped the way I try to lead, serve, and show up for people today.

April and her family were actually at my house just a few months ago for a paint and sip. It was a nice FCBC Walnut reunion for me that was much needed. It was loud, messy, chaotic and fun, just a completely ordinary evening that I didn’t think much about since I’ve done 4 of these events now. I think about that night differently:

Another Paint and Sip Night :)

I guess that’s one of the strange things cancer teaches you: ordinary moments stop feeling quite so ordinary once you realize they were never guaranteed in the first place. I keep coming back to Joshua 1:9, Teri’s favorite verse and probably the verse I’ve quoted on this blog more than any other: “Be strong and courageous.” I’m praying that Jon and April and their families experience the rest of that verse in a very real way right now, that God is with them wherever this road takes them.

Their diagnoses have also made me think about how casually I sometimes treat the things I still get to do every day. I complain about being tired from training, swim debt, no time to blog, work being busy, waking up early, teaching class or having too many things on my calendar, when most of those complaints are actually about things I’m fortunate enough to still be able to do.

Please pray too for my two dear friends and their families.

Muir Rock Fitness & Yoga Turns One

On August 20, Muir Rock Fitness & Yoga hit its one-year anniversary, here are some photos from classes when we started and our celebration last Wednesday after class:

I’m incredibly grateful for it, but strangely the anniversary has also made me think a lot about seasons and whether I should step back from teaching for a while so I can focus more on Ironman training and some other parts of my life. My first reaction was guilt. I built this thing and it's fun to teach. I People show up and I've made new friends along the way. People are getting stronger. Why would I step back right when it finally feels established? But maybe just because something is good doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it exactly the same way forever.

A few friends have asked me, “Well, what’s the purpose behind why you teach?” And honestly, I don’t totally know. It started because I wanted to actually use my Yoga Sculpt teacher training. Why did I even get certified? Because I was having so much fun going to CorePower that I figured, why not invest even further? And why did I start going to CorePower in the first place? Because I was kinda burned out from Ironman training and wanted to do something different. So I guess this is all coming full circle now...

I think one of my tendencies is to treat almost everything in life like a project. If something matters, work harder. If something isn’t working, figure out why. Get feedback, make a list, improve, repeat. That works pretty well in IT and training. If I want to run faster, I run more. If I want to get stronger, I go to Sculpt and CSX (no comments please on the effectiveness of CSX Adrianna). If I want to become a better Yoga Sculpt teacher, I practice and teach more. Usually more effort eventually gets you a better result. Unfortunately, people and relationships don’t work quite that neatly. Sometimes you can work really hard, listen to all the feedback, improve yourself and still not get the outcome you hoped for. And sometimes growing doesn’t mean trying harder at all.

40 Months

While September Is just around the corner, I still wanted to share that August 2 marked 40 months since Teri passed away. I have to admit, I don't think about her every day like I used to. I've even made some changes to my house decor, including taking some of our photos down around the house:

I did think about her a bit while I was traveling though. She always had a big heart for national parks and being out in nature. So much so that we'd always get the National Park annual pass whenever we visited one, telling ourselves we'd get our money's worth throughout the year. Unfortunately that never happened after visiting Death Valley in January 2023, a few months before she passed away:

Mayo's favorite National Park! And maybe mine too. After Kings Canyon.

There was something so unforgettable about that long hike through the Sand Dunes that I think about from time to time. Watching Mayo just run free across the sand without a leash. Too bad he REALLY needs a leash now, as he got into an indicent recently and ended up being in Quarantine for 10 days. Key lessons: Always be careful walking your dog no matter how cute he looks, and keep your pets vacccines up to date. Everything is fine now.

On the hike in the Sand Dunes, Teri was starting to struggle with with her health and breathing by then and needed a lot of breaks along the way. But we made it. Nothing really compares to that adventure when I think about it. Makes me a little sad and not sure how I'd feel if I ever go back to Death Valley. But thank God we got to do that together as our last friends trip before she passed.

I'm sharing about this trip because on this trip would ever thought that it would be the last trip for any of us. And that's how life works. We all think we will have more trips in the future since most of us reading this are relatively young, but it just isn't true. So when in doubt, book that trip! The work will always be there when you get back. Your company will learn how to manage without you. Mine Is still doing great and I took 3 trips in the past 3 months!

Small photo dump of the family time spent in Canada

I don't know why I always start counting months again around the 2nd. Maybe I always will, also because I put a reminder in Outlook. What I do know is that life looks very different than it did 38 months ago. Not perfect. Not exactly how I imagined, with some days filled with sadness and discouragement. Definitely not what I would have planned. But different in a lot of good ways.

Doing Hard Things = Going Slower

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my tendency to go 0 to 100. Happens everywhere. I get excited about a lot of things. I'm so thankful for my boss at work who has figured this out about me and is helping me set much more realistic scheudles for our projects since I think everything can happen alot faster than reality. Stuff comes up.

When I decide something matters to me, I want to go all in. And then even more. I’ve always thought that was mostly a strength. You don’t finish an Ironman accidentally. You don’t build anything meaningful without commitment. But I’m starting to understand that “all in” isn’t automatically the same thing as healthy. Sometimes 0 to 100 is actually easier than going from 0 to 60, staying there for a little while and not knowing exactly what happens next. Sometimes trying harder is easier than waiting. Sometimes making a plan is easier than actually asking questions and really listening. And sometimes going from 100 right back to 0 and walking away completely is easier than learning how to live somewhere in the middle.

I think this is a bad analogy but I feel like relationships are a little like racing for me. If I know I can do an Ironman, why would I waste my time doing a shorter races? I actually don't think Ironmans and a good idea for me anymore, but It's just what I've gotten used to doing every year and honestly, it's more of an ego thing to just say I'm doing a "full" when honestly, no one cares that much.

So hopefully I don’t sign up for one next year….

When I was with Teri, I knew what I ultimately wanted once there was mutual interest. Get married! Marriage is still important to me, as a widow. Commitment is important to me. I don’t really have much interest in spending years meeting random people or a situationship that isn’t going anywhere. I still believe all of that. But I think what I’ve been getting wrong is assuming that knowing the destination means I need to get there immediately.

I'm slowly learning from my therapist and others that dating doesn't have to be the Ironman. Maybe dating is just agreeing to start training together and seeing how it goes. It’s okay to go out with people even if I’m on the fence about marrying them next month if all goes well. We can both be interested in the same general destination without having the same race on the calendar. Neither person can promise at mile one that you’ll actually make it to mile 140.6 together.

But this is so hard… and why I’ve always resorted to “set a big goal and figure it out later.” Easier. But doesn’t mean it’s better.

That’s probably one of the harder things for me to accept because I really like certainty. I like knowing the plan and being in charge of the plan like I do at work. I love planning and using JIRA more than getting the work done. I like knowing what I’m training for vs. just doing what I should do to be healthy. But relationships don’t really give you that. Maybe going slowly doesn’t mean caring less. Maybe it means caring without constantly trying to figure out where everything is going. Maybe I don’t need to choose between being completely all in or completely all out? I don’t know. Apparently there’s a whole lot of life between 0 and 100. I can grow a lot by being in the middle.

Maybe that’s the lesson I’m supposed to take into this next new season. Do hard things, but stop assuming the hard thing is always doing more, trying harder or getting to the finish line faster. Sometimes, the hard thing is waiting. Sometimes it’s listening without already having the answer in your head and not needing everyone’s opinion. Sometimes it’s letting someone else move at their own pace like I do by teaching modifications for poses in class. Sometimes it’s allowing something good to just be good without immediately needing to know what it means six months from now. And sometimes the hard thing is accepting that I can’t control the ending no matter how much effort I put into it.

That seems to connect almost everything I’ve been thinking about lately. Jon and April’s cancer battles are humble reminders for me that there are things in life none of us can control. Teri reminds me that some of the most ordinary days and trips can become the memories you’re most thankful for later, so don’t wait till it’s too late. Muir Rock reminds me that sometimes you just show up, keep doing the work and something grows that you never could have planned exactly. And relationships are probably supposed to work a little more like that too. Not careless, not without intention, but with enough patience to actually experience what’s happening instead of always trying to force the next milestone.

My theme this quarter in class has been obedience over outcomes, and apparently I’m still learning what that means. I can control how I show up. I can train. I can pray. I can listen better. I can apologize. I can work on myself. I can love people well. I can make plans and still be willing to change them. But I can’t control another person, a diagnosis, how long a season lasts or whether doing everything “right” gives me the ending I wanted. Maybe I don’t always need to know where something is going before I can appreciate where I am right now.

So I guess another way of what I’m trying to work on next: less 0 to 100, less 100 back to 0, and maybe getting a little more comfortable somewhere in the middle.

Thanks for reading, hopefully some of this makes sense? Hopefully we can all encourage each other to: